I think I'm totally and officially confused about feelings and your heart and all that jazz that comes with men and women. I'm going to be rolling into my 40th year (40!!!) on this here planet earth and I'm no more clear on that species we call men than I was when I was an 11/12 year old starting to wonder what these butterflies in my tummy were when that super handsome 5th grader John Fitzgerald smiled at me.
I really had no clue what was going on when I rolled into middle school and all these girls were so pretty and wore pretty clothes and I was a tomboy starting to dabble in drugs and had weird frizzy hair. These pretty girls had boyfriends! They held hands with boys in the hallways and sometimes I would see them kissing in a dark corridor. We started having these awful awkward things called dances where the boys and the girls stared at each other. The lucky pretty girls would get asked to dance while the rest of us would sit on the side lines feeling ugly and unwanted. Now is when I really started dabbling with the drugs because here was a world where you could snuff those awful feelings about boys with a substance. Oh but wait...there's this neighborhood boy. There's a little group of us troublesome neighborhood kids that have formed a posse that we like to sneak into the Orange Grove/Pit and get high. We light skateboards on fire and ride them down the street. We're little assholes and loving it. Then this boy...he's so cute with his shaggy blonde hair and crooked smile. He walks me home one night and around the corner behind my neighbors fence he french kisses me! My 1st real french kiss. It's weird. I'm not sure how I feel about this tongue in my mouth but my tummy - butterflies! I walk the rest of the way home grinning from ear to ear. OMG. I just kissed a boy! Like a real kiss!! Thus begins the pining after boys not interested in me.
Begin high school. A really really awful time because now I'm full blown into drugs, totally into heavy metal and a super tomboy with my flannel shirts and cropped tank tops. Frizzy hair at it's peak. But now there's these boys that I get high with. We flirt and I feel pretty but I'm scared. I get to 1st and even 2nd base with some of them. In our foggy drug induced haze I let them use me. I don't care that I don't really want to, because I'm actually getting attention from boys. Sometimes things get out of hand and there's violence and hitting. I become quite a tough cookie defending myself from broken bottles being hurled at me and learning how to dodge the pool cue being swung at my face. I'm a badass. I'm one of those people whose tough and mean and I become an angry teen.
High School continues. I start to fall away from the hair bands and metal madness a bit into the Grateful Dead and 60's rock and roll. I start veering away from all the drugs except one and my life takes more of a mellow swing. I smoke away my troubles now and just chill more, eat more (fucking munchies), I'm still the scrappy tomboy with the frizzy hair. I'm still angry. I'm still jealous of those pretty popular girls that seem to have it all. I play sports. I'm on year book. I'm in drama club. I get bit by the drama bug and realize I have a place to throw my emotions into an art form. My senior year I get my first boyfriend. He's this really sweet boy I meet while getting high and he plays guitar and he has long blonde hair and he's a year older than me! Now I'm dating a boy whose not in high school anymore. I'm so fucking cool! I lose my virginity to this boy and it's sweet and bumbly, neither of us sure if we're doing it right.
OCC. I'm now in college - well a junior college. I'm still angry. Still a tomboy. My boyfriend and I break up soon after I start playing around in the college world. I break his heart. Now I'm in a whole new realm of boys. I join up with the Rep - the theatre group of OCC. Everyone is so flirty. I meet a few boys that break my heart. One of them told me I wasn't feminine enough. This other one liked to bang his way through the group unbeknownst to me. Another moved away. Then I met my soon to be husband.
Fast forward to married life. We made it almost 5 years. We both were super involved in the OC Theatre scene helping distract us from our failing marriage. That ended in 2004.
Divorced, crushed in my late 20's. Theatre is like shooting fish in a barrel when it comes to hooking up. Had fun with lots of boys, but never anything serious. I wanted the attention. I wanted to feel loved. Not realizing this was all for the wrong reasons. I meet a guy in 2008. We were not matched well but I give it a go. A boy wants to date me. Like for real. Like this guy wants to be my boyfriend! It lasted a year. Life took a downward spiral after this. My theatre family dispersed since our theaters were shutting down.
I had/have a boy I'm on and off with physically and sometimes I think it may be something more - sometimes it really feels like it is. But it's not. It never is. I've learned to accept it for what it is, but sometimes it's hard.
Then a friend of mine and I sparked up something. We'd known each other for years. Something changed one day. Again - I thought - wow - I'm feeling something! An emotion. A spark. We kissed - it was amazing! There was a zing. Something I've never felt! Next day - I get a freak out text from him saying no. WTF!
2012 my life changed. Once recovered and healthy again and now with a new outlook on life I thought maybe my love life would change. I'm a totally different person now! That anger is gone. I love life. I'm positive. I'm happy. Love will come to me! And it has! In so many ways love flows through my life. But - never with a man.
I went on a a few dates with this one guy...he "Ghosted" (I've now learned this is a thing).
I went out with another boy thinking it was just a friend thing (Lots of people wanted to hear about my scare) then he kissed me! Now this fellow and I had chemistry - or so I thought. We were in a show together. We flirted. There was a moment backstage when he had to help me get ready for a scene and I swear there was an electricity that ran through us. It must have just been me. I'd never felt that before. But then nothing. Then much later we went out - and that's when he kissed me! Oh my gosh! I was excited! Then - nothing - he blew me off - rather rudely I might add. Ok. I'm an idiot.
Then I get in touch with a boy I had a huge crush on in high school. We have a few fun weeks. We go out one night and he's holding my hand and it's romantic and it feels like a boyfriend! His psycho side comes out and then it's done.
I go back to my on and off fellow a few times just to feel some human contact.
I get to a point now where I'm starting to think - this is it. I don't get to have the family and the marriage. I don't get to even have a boyfriend. It's not in the cards for me. So I try to not think about it. I try to push it aside. To learn to be happy alone. And I am. Sort of. A huge amount of time goes by and I again reach out to my on and off because I just want to feel a touch. A hug. A cuddle for a second.
Then another guy comes in my life. There's a heat there. People notice. When nothing comes of it I think it's just me. But a few months later we reconnect and the sparks fly. It's probably one of the hottest moments I've had in my entire life. I'm not talking about sex - I'm talking about the before. When I knew he wanted me. When he grabbed my hips and pulled me close and he was breathless. I melted. I still think about it! Well - then of course I get the freak out text (Seriously with the texts!!??). Fine. I'm so jaded at this point I'm more annoyed then heartbroken. But of course I let him hang out with me again months later. We don't do anything but that heat is there and it drives me up the wall and he leaves feeling to freaked out to do anything. Again. Fine. So I try to be friends with this person. Be there for him when he's going through stuff. As a friend. We have dinner one night. I swear that heat is there again but I ignore it. Fight it. When he leaves we give the usual friendly hug but then he pauses and gives me a kiss. Not a make out kiss - just a soft peck. It almost destroyed me. It was so gentle and sweet and the fact that it was probably nothing to him but I felt so much behind it made me nuts. Was it anything? OF COURSE NOT!
So here I am. After this long rambling blog. Almost 40 years old and totally fucking clueless. I think I have chemistry with people. I think I feel sparks. I'm always wrong. ALWAYS. How in the Sam hell have I not learned yet? Why is this so ridiculously hard. Why can't I online date. Why does even though of dating make me want to throw up. Why do I sit here and tell myself over and over that I'm happy alone - I mean I am!!! I love my space. My alone time. MY SHIT.
I'm so baffled you guys. What the hell am I feeling in my heart and in my tummy when I think I have chemistry. When I think there is heat. When I think someone is into me and they so obviously are not. Why does everyone tell me how amazing I am and I'm surrounded by so much love and support and glorious friends and family who see me as a wonderful person but a man for some reason doesn't. What is it? What the hell am I doing wrong?? Is it because I'm independent? What is it?!
I hate that I seem to be totally and completely wrong when I think there's heat or chemistry or a spark or whatever the fuck - a feeling even! I'M ALWAYS WRONG! How am I this wrong all the time. I really think I just have no idea what it's like. What really bugs me most is I'm still...after all these years...still pining after men. I'm just so confused and really wish at this point in my life I would know how the hell it all works. But I don't.
Signed,
Jami aka crazy cat lady aka completely confused almost 40 year old.
No comments:
Post a Comment