One year later...

Wow.
It's been a year.
An entire year that I should have died.
June 6th, 2012.  That damn date will never be forgotten.

I went back and read the blog The day I cheated death...

It was really hard to read this again, and read the following blogs of thank yous and fear again.  Dealing with this anniversary has been much harder than I was prepared for.  I know it will be better now.  I know the 1st one is always the hardest.  I guess I just never thought I would have an anniversary of something that was hard to deal with.

It's so hard to explain how I feel.  I've been grappling with what to write for a bit now (as you can see by the date) and I still don't think I quite know what to say.  I'm overwhelmed.  I'm grateful.  I'm happy.  I'm stronger.  People understand.  This is awesome.  People don't judge me when I burst into tears.  People smile and nod sympathetically when I try to apologize.  I really truly do love the human spirit.

The day before my anniversary a co-worker of mine came into my office with little bouquet from her garden and a card she made with a little milestone pendant in there.  She smiled and said "I know it's sometime around now, so congratulations!"  I burst into tears.  I mean hysterical tears.

And PS - look at the bloom on this beauty a week later:

Later on that afternoon some more co-workers came in with a plate of cookies to celebrate.  I promptly burst into tears again.

On the day of my anniversary I had lunch at my grandparents and my mom gave me a bouquet of flowers.  We both burst into tears.

When mom stopped by and read the card from my co-worker she burst into tears.  Emotions are raw.  But it's good.  They're good tears.  They're thank GAWD I'm still here tears.

I think I've recovered from bursting into tears every two seconds now, but I find myself still in awe.  I'm still trying to grasp things a bit.  I might never quite fully accept what happened.  But that is perfectly ok.

I was on a good path before this happened.  Trying to change my ways, be more positive, change my way of thinking, be a better person, etc.  I was doing it.  People noticed.  People have said they noticed changes in me a year or so before this happened.  I know I would have gotten where I am today, just probably a lot slower.  But June 6th kicked my ass right to where it is now and that's knowing who I am.

How amazing is that?  I can say I know who I am!  I've always had a bit of an idea, but of course you alter things to please those around you.  Not a lot but a bit. Yes you do.   My life is open now.  I'm open to so much more in life.  I'm happy.  I'm thankful.  Every day I am grateful.

I find myself moving slower in everything.  I take more time with things.  I try to take in all what is around me.  I think harder.  I'm more organized than I was (can you believe that?) and more OCD so I don't miss things.  I crave one on ones with my friends or small groups rather than large parties.  I sleep more.  I schedule more me time.  I take more pictures.  Write more notes.  I try to drink up every bit of air I can and be.  You know?

It's really trippy, my readers, really bizarre.  I'm in a new place and I'm learning to live with it.  Time is so much more precious to me now.  My tolerance for negativity and anger isn't there anymore.  I choose to surround myself with people who live, laugh and love.  The bond between me and my mom has grown.  The connection between me and my dad has taken a huge turn.  We've always been close, but now it's even closer.  We all always have that small fear that tickles the backs of our minds.  I almost wasn't here.  I'm not sure if that will ever go away.

I've turned into a huge sap but that's not much of a change.  I mean I'm an actor so I've always had a flair for the dramatics :).  But it's different.  It's raw.  My emotions are always raw and real now.  That's the only way I can think to describe it.  Priorities have shifted.  I see things brighter.  It's a trip.

So here I am, a year later.  Looking back at those blogs and remembering the obscene amount of pain I was in, the constant fear with all the tests and talks and doctors.  The looks on my friends faces when they would walk in and see me for the 1st time.  The pain.  I will never forget that pain.  It seemed to take so long to heal, but really it didn't.  I recovered amazingly well!  I learned how to listen to my body.  I was in the hot tub as soon as I could sort of move trying to water aerobic back some strength into my muscles.  I stopped taking pain meds as soon as I could and tried to work through the pain.  And guess what - I did it.  I've come back.

I will never take for granted how far I've come and I will always hold dear the abilities I have now.  What I can do.  Damn!  I mean I'm back to my active physical live again!  Our time is so short here on this earth.  Savor every moment, every breath and don't take life for granted.  It can be taken from you in a blink.

I'm still working on letting things go, but it's getting easier and easier.

I'm here.  I survived and I made it through my 1st anniversary with flying colors.  I am so blown away as to how far I've come, how much I've learned about myself and what the human spirit can handle.

We are an amazing species my friends!  Cherish life.  Breathe.  Slow down.  Practice lovingkindness. 


So here I am!  Alive and well and stronger than ever!!!