Smoking week 2...

In to week 2.
This blows. Ugh. I hate it so much.
So everyday except Monday I allowed myself 1 cig. Yup cheated Friday night and Sunday night and had 2. The thing is – I don’t feel guilty about it. I am pretty surprised at myself for getting this far. I was sure I’d be through my emergency pack by now. This is no victory cry. I wanted to smoke the whole damn thing last nite.
I’ll have good days and bad days. One of the days this week I felt great. I was positive, proud of myself – I didn’t even eat too many suckers! The next day I was screaming out my window to some obnoxious teenagers that I will cut them. I still have my fingernails believe it or not. I’m constantly gnawing on them – those calcium pills must be working.
My friend Mr. Zen was very encouraging last nite – he told me he’d be a part of my lil support group. He paid for my dinner last nite and he knows I can do it. He’s such a doll. Ber is receiving random angry burst txt’s from me – she’s throwing it right back which is a nice laugh. T and I are sharing some angry/sad/frustrated txts. Its hard as hell on us both – but I do think we can do this.
I came into work today and one of my co-workers brought me a vase full of beautiful flowers from her garden and gave me a huge hug telling me she was so proud of me. Word has gotten around here at the office which is good because now I seem a little less crazy when I’m lapping the building venting into the phone to usually my lil bro.
Today is a hard day. I’m really emotional and just want to throw it all away and just be a smoker for the rest of my life. Its harder now tho because people know….I’m starting to not want to disappoint anyone – especially myself.
I keep trying to tell myself I’ll be such an inspiration to others because I was such a heavy smoker for so very long. I’ll be healthier. I’ll breathe more freely. Blah blah fucking blah. Ya. today is a hard day. I cant sit still either. A friend over the weekend said she could tell I was about to jump out of my skin. It’s the strangest thing….I’m doing really good but its one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I’m not sure how I’m handling it really. Everything is pissing me off. EVERYTHING. But I’m doing pretty good at not yelling at anyone. Still. So hard. So weird. I don’t feel myself. Le sigh.
I can do this right?

Smoking...

Here goes....
I've been smoking since I was 12 years old. I've been on The Pill since I was 16 years old. I was up to 2 packs a day in college. Most recently I ranged from a pack every 1-2 days. I'm a hardcore smoker. I'm not a social smoker, I dont have a cigarette only when I drink, etc. I'm a smoker. I'm probably one of the heaviest smokers amongst my circle of friends. A couple of months ago I decided it was time to attempt quitting. No, there was no epiphany, there was nothing tragic that happened, I'm not dating a non-smoker - its just time.
I've quit before - I lasted a year. I wasnt ready to quit then. I'm ready now. This is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my entire life. Those of you who have never smoked will not understand. Its like a drug. Its a part of me, a part of my life, a part of who I am and I have to kill it. I gave myself the deadline of Tuesday July 20th. This was after the Kelly's Beach trip and the start of a lot of changes coming in my life. I've been thinking about it for months - how to do it, should I do the patch, should I take anti-depressants, etc.
I'm doing it my way. Cold Turkey - esk. No supplements, no drugs, no nothing.
I have an emergency pack - I'm allowing myself 1 cig a day if I cant stand it - I'm only doing this until that emergency pack runs out. This will help with the shock to my system of cutting off something my body is totally accustomed to. Anyone who disagrees or thinks my ideas are stupid can fuck right off. Your not trying to do this. I am.
I'm not being super public about it....I mean alot of people know, but I wont be posting status updates about it for a while. I'm not talking about it too much. Its not the 1st thing I tell someone who doesnt know. I'm putting it here because I'm sure the process may be amusing for some of you to read and I dont think I have alot readers anymore anyway. But those of you reading this now - I love you and hope I can continue to amuse you.
So here I am - Day 6. I have had that 1 cigarette each day except one of them. I'm irritable as all hell but fighting not to kill anyone. I'm twitchy and uncomfortable and anxious and jittery. T was expecting me to be quiet and angry (she's doing this as well BTW and doing really good) but was, I believe amusingly, surprised to find me hyper. Me. Hyper. Gawd I must look like a recovering addict.
In a way tho I am. She also informed me that people are congradulating her etc but then following up with the wary question "How is Jami doing...?" Ha ha ha ha! I love it. I'm going to shock the hell out of alot of people if I can actually get through this nightmare.
Some days are better then others. I did almost get in an actual brawl Fri nite. I pulled off the side of the road, got out of my car and started walking towards the assmunch who cut me off who probably thought I was some timid girl and he could intimidate me - but I'm sure the look on my face as I walked towards him twitching and screaming shocked the hell out of him. He drove off scared and confused as hell. Yes that was stupid of me but its pretty goddamn funny right now.
I've gone thru half a bag of dum dum suckers, a whole bag of lifesavers and numerous packs of gum. A couple of straws have also met their demise as I gnawed them into shreds.
I may fail.
I dont know.
I miss them already. I dont think I'll ever get to the point of thinking they're gross or disgusting. I really do love them. I will miss them and probably always crave one or enjoy the smell or wish for one but I'm told it gets easier.
Its hard as hell, but I'm doing way better then I thought I would and I'm certainly going to give this my all. I'm pretty damn sure I can do this. So look out world - one of the heaviest smokers out there is kicking the habit. Hopefully I can be an inspiration because seriously - if I can do it - anyone can.

Kelly's 2010

Year number 2. Yup – I actually did it again. Those of you who read my last Kelly’s Beach blog may have been wondering – “Will Jami actually do this again?”.
Yup.
I honestly think it’s been long enough that I had forgotten the bad stuff and thought it’d be fun to go again. I have to admit – knowing what I was in for this year made it a lot easier to deal with.
4:15am in the morning on Friday my alarm goes off. Now I’d like to point out that this is just not a normal time to ever get up for anything. Seriously. I don’t care what time you got to bed, 4:15am is just plain wrong. Anywhoo – I stumble into the shower, stumble out to make coffee and finish packing. I hear T stumble in for her shower and I start loading the car realizing I’m moving a bit slow and we’re running behind. I know. Shocking. Somehow we make it to D’s only 15 minutes late to find the rest of the crew scurrying around apparently having woke up at 5am when we were supposed to be leaving at this point. Awesome. Jenga ensues as we try to pack all our cars to carry all our crap.
We finally all get on the road sometime after 6 as the sun is starting to rise. Our caravan splits off, but no worries – T’s magic phone will get us there. As we drive, we chat and smoke and snack. At one point we pass an SUV with the back window washer on….”Why don’t they see it?” I wonder aloud – “They can’t see it, the car is packed to the brim” T responds. We move on. About an hour or so later we pass the car again – wiper still on. We pull up to flag the driver – low and behold – its D. Of course. This is a cause of some laughter and tension throughout the rest of the weekend.
We arrive at Kelly’s sometime after 9:30 am. I check us in – much quicker then last time, and we roll over to our site and start to set up. T and I immediately grab a spot due to the giant tent we have arrived with. Nat joining up to be our 3rd – the 2 girls set up our condo why I unload the car. We set Harold (Our new camping gnome) to guard our home. Less then an hour later – we’re all set up. Bathing suits on and drinks in hand – its time to party. The rest of the day consists of drinking, sweating and fighting off the flies. We visit, we mingle, we laugh, we chill by the water (still colder then the arctic even tho its 106 degrees outside). Around 3pm I find myself hungry and hot so a handful of us mosey over to the restaurant for a late lunch. This brought on some pissy attitudes of some who didn’t hear my very loud announcement as to where we were going. Whatever. Lil bro arrives!!!!!! (He has come from the north since his job has him working up there for a few months). I’m so excited. He arrives with a gift basket of wine for the wife and a bottle of some yummy Cab for big sis. The one of us who has an RV stores this for us since we don’t want to leave it out to get drunk or get too hot. We visit, we drink, we snack. T finds herself doin some pretty hot moves on the rope swing, I’m meandering around to the different groups chit chatting but staying close to lil bro since I’ve missed him so. Late into the night I find myself alone. Some people have popped off into groups that I didn’t seem to hop into any, some people are too drunk for me to deal with and others are passed out already. Sad to say I found myself bored. So I retired to the tent and listened to conversations around me until Colorado burst into our tent yelling at me to come back out. I did and joined the group playing Kings Cup. My new favorite game. We laughed aloooooot and had a great time.
Saturday morning slow rising to D’s instant coffee since coffee lady didn’t show up this year. Bitch. Rafts blow, lunches packed, drinks made we head out to wait for the bus. Everyone named all their rafts this year – mine is appropriately called “The Real McCoy” followed by a peace sign. T chooses the SS B12 since this is her new crack and she’s gotten a couple of followers throughout the weekend. We forgot Harold. Le Sigh. Here comes Iggy Pop. Yes. I swear I met Iggy’s doppelganger. This Iggy twin is called Rusty – he’s our bus driver. He starts to load up our rafts shouting out all the details of the fun we’re going to have. Awesome. We line up to get in the bus when this tiny framed woman who had to be in her 60’s or so leaps out wearing a skirt and bikini and shouts “Bus bitch has to pee then we’ll load up!”. Awesome. When she returns she takes our bus tickets and T, lil bro and I hit the front seats due to our motion sickness…At T and I’s feet is a large white bucket full of ice water with 2 large water guns in it. I see where this is going. Not before everyone has even sat down does a blast of cold water hit us from behind. It’s on. Rusty says have at it, just don’t blast out the bus. The war begins. I cant help but laugh in amazement as I’m filling up water buckets and blasting the back half of the bus, Rusty is constantly wiping his window with a squeegee so he can see and Bus Bitch is firing away herself! The best part – is we find out later that Bus Bitch is actually the President of the Chamber of Commerce!!!!!!!! Rusty and Bus Bitch drop us off and unload our rafts at a different launch point then last year. This one is sooooooooooooo much better!!!! You can actually wade into the water and hop/paddle toward the middle then do your best to hit Rock Beach. I did so good! Esch wades out into the water to help pull me in congratulating me and calling me a pro! I was still shaky and spun but way better then last year. We chill, smoke, eat, drink then I tie off to lil bro and we head out. This time me and Sutherland are flanking lil bro’s boat so we did a lot more work this year. My back still f-ing hurts from rowing so much. Lil bro and I were enjoying writing a horror flick the whole time we floated down the river. Scary unknown bubbles and strange wildlife sparked this game. We cruise down the river – its high and running fast but beautiful as always. There was a another game bro, me and Sutherland played...you find a stick or rock with your oar - fling it into the air - then hit it with your own oar. I find I suck left handed. We stop at rope swing beach where they stop every year and have lunch. This is also where the group photo is always shot which I’ve attached in this blog. I decline the rope swing this year due to different wonkier location and wander around the stop joining in random conversations. I get a kick out of the one D is having with some chick who remembers her from 10 years ago. Small world. Time to launch. We head out again and sail out way ahead of the rest of the crew. Our next usual stop has a pigs head on top of the “Don’t stop here” signs, so we keep on floatin. Eventually Corndog and her new boy and T catch up and tie on to us. We cruise on down. I try to get T to sing, but she declines. Lil bro was pretty disappointed but the rest of the crew made their attempts. This of course resulted in us all realizing we are not singers. We stopped at a sort of beach and hang there for about 45 minutes waiting for some of our others to catch up. This is where we witnessed a woman paddling with her boobs. You had to be there to see that one…. None of our crew rolled by so we headed out again. At one point D could not get back into the raft after a pee break – in one fluid motion lil bro pulls her out shouting “I got a big one!” then sitting to close to the edge – ass over head into the water. I grab his oar on the way down and he saves his beer. I must say tho – one of the funniest moments of the trip. Haven’t laughed so hard in a while. We finally arrive back to our campsite about 4 in half hours later – the 1st ones there. This works out perfect as the bathrooms are freshly cleaned and empty so we all get our showers in, changed start to wait for the others. An hour or so later people finally started drifting in. We found out later that they were waiting for us when we were waiting for them thinking we were behind them not ahead. Ah well. One our of crew spent at least 10 minutes trying to put his shoes on. Another gal fell about 8 times before she hit shore. One of my favorite parts of Kelly’s Beach is watching everyone roll in from the float – especially the newbies. Friggin hilarious. If I make it out next year I HAVE to record this. We help people in and realize we’re starving and lazy – so off to the restaurant we go again. Rusty joins us for a while and the night begins. Little mellower this evening due to the thrashing you get from the float – I peaced out early finding myself somewhat alone again. I listen to the conversations around my tent as I drift to sleep. The next morning we slow rise and start to break down. Our goodbyes were especially rough this time since Lil bro had to go back up north instead of home with us. I cried like a bitch. T and I stopped at the Cheese Factory this time – an adorable little kitschy place that makes some yummy cheeses. T and I stalked up on goodies and headed out. Reality started to settle in as we head home. This being my last hurrah before my hopefully positive life changes I’m trying to start making. You’ll be reading about them soon.
Kelly’s Beach is always fun but tiring. Its one of those vacations that’s actually quite a bit of work. I find my patience is less as I get older and I enjoy beds and air conditioning more….maybe a hotel next year…..
But very fun, got to spend quality time with my bro and good friends. Team TJ was at its best – we travel damn well together. Another year gone. I can’t believe the end of July is chomping at my heels…..

Random Thoughts on a Monday...

* I feel so bad when I see someone running to catch a bus. I mean it already blows for these poor bastards to have to even take a bus, then to be running down the street frantically trying to catch the damn thing is even sadder. I find myself rooting for them to make it when the go flying by me, bags swinging, sweat dripping down there face, - I'm in my car whispering "Go man go!!!!". I'm so happy when they make it, but I've seen them miss it as well and I'm have tempted to go pick them up since they put in such a valiant effort trying to catch the thing.
* What is it with babies and peek-a-boo? They love this! They are so fascinated when you hide behind your hands then open them making a face like a jackass. They giggle and stare and are just amazed. Do they actually think you dissappear for that one second or are they just amazed at what an idiot your making of yourself while your doing it?
* I hate the Sit & Sleep commericals. I'm sure they have them on TV too, but I'm reffering to the ones on the radio. I swear as soon as I hear that fucker's voice come over the sound waves I slam my radio buttons to make it stop. Its the only commercial that actually makes me want to jump through the radio and strangle him. He angers me so. To all radio DJ's out there - STOP PLAYING THAT BASTARD NOW!
* I believe that I would be an outstanding griller. Yes I'm talking about a BBQ. Yes I know you all know I dont/wont cook. I'm horrible at it - the kitchen and all its weird contraptions that come with it are puzzles to me. Microwave and Refridgerator are all I'll ever need to survive. But I find that I think I would rule on the BBQ. I've done it a few times and did it again over the weekend. The only thing is I fear the gas. I will not turn the thing on or off. I hate the poof noise followed by flames and heat that you have to go through to turn it on and off. I dont know what it is about gas - but I fear it. Big time. So I'd like the world to invent a non-gas BBQ because I'm sure I could grill up some mean goods. Or I'll just always have to have someone to turn it on/off for me.
* My house is currently over run by birds and thier nests. We have baby birds up the wazoo. We have 1 little dude who cant fly. He's hopping around the backyard. I was trying to clean the yard the other day and almost hosed the poor guy down. "Oh hi lil fella!" I said. He stared at me as if I'd just caused world tragedy. "I didnt get you for Gods sake!". I grabbed a bit of bird seed and put it in front of him. He again looked at me as if to say "Bite me bitch". Fine. I tried. Today I watched another fluffy baby bird on the fence, hoppin around screechin for mom. When mom would arrive he'd open his mouth and screech even more. Mom would look at him then fly off. She did this about 3 times. I thought it was kind of mean, but kind of funny at the same time. We have another next where the baby's have gotten pretty big and fluffy right now, and they barely fit in the nest. Its somewhat hilarious to see 4 little fatties all fighting for space.

I suppose that is all for now. Figured I need to write even if its some random thoughts. Have a lovely day my readers.