2009 Begins...

Well I'm off to a bit of a rocky start.....
New Years Eve was fab, until later in the nite...
The boy and I went to the Bistro NYE event, drank a plenty, ate amazing food, visited with the regulars and listened to jazz. We tried to be good kids and called a cab to pick us up after getting a ride from - yep - mom. It was kinda funny... 2 hours later...no cab. Robert gave us a lift home god love him, but at this point we were tired and sober. I woke up 2 hours later thinking maybe I had drank a bit too much but then realized what it was....Yup - brought in the New Year with the horrid stomach flu thats going around. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I had to call out of my last rehearsal before my show opening and wasnt able to eat until the next day. Of course that Friday I could only eat toast and a bit of applesauce so lets just say my opening night was interesting. I was told I was fab, and couldnt even tell I was weaker then a newborn kitten. People eithier lied or I'm a brilliant actress. It took me the whole weekend to recover and really feel myself again.
So my show is up and running. Depsite the not so pleasant rehearsal process - it seems the show's a hit so far. We've had one fab review come out (I of course was not faboo according to the dude, but was good enuff.) Whatever. At this point I've somewhat written this show off. People seemed to dig it last weekend, lets hope it goes well - 4 weekends to go.
OP has had me come in random times to help with the close out process. Basically I'm just processing all the "ticket donations". But today when I was there I realized I'm done. Its not worth the pay (It gets deducted out of unemployment so its not like extra money), its freezing because the place is pretty much closed down, its bare (all the shit has been moved, tossed, whatever), and everyone else has moved on. Working in that giant building by myself this morning - bundled up as if prepared for a snowstorm - just wasnt right. They can find someone else to do that crap. I dont owe them shit anymore. I lost my job of 10 years - no severance - nothing. Bite me.
Plus - I need to concentrate on moving forward. Sadly this has become quite the challenge. I cant find a job. I specialize in non-profits - I like working in non-profits - I like that I'm working at a company that's doing something for the community. Non-profits are not hiring. I have good days and bad days.
Good days go as followed: "I will find a great job I love!" "I will get out of debt, living home and move into a faboo new place!" "I'm an artist!" "I'm going to get some fantastic acting gigs in the meantime!" "I'm goin to help mom get organized!" "It'll all work out!"
Bad days go like this: "I'm never going to find a job" "I cant beleive I'm turning 33 next month and I'm living at home with my mother in a fucking tiny bedroom". "I cant act for shit - why the hell did I decide to be an artist anyway!!! I'm so fucking stupid!" "I cant organize mom - its just too overwhelming" "I'm fat" Then of course many tears, and cursing and sobs follow.
I'm fighting my ass off to be positive. I want a job I love. I want to succeed as an artists. I want to take care of myself - physically and emotionally. I want to move out into an adorable little pad with just me and my cats. I want to have a successfull relationship in which I feel loved and wanted. I want to just be fucking happy. Call them resolutions. Call them goals. Call them whatever. I call them absolutley fucking nessasary. I have to get out of this rut. I have to succeed. I have to or I'm going to lose my godamn mind.
2009 is going to be it dammit! For everyone!