I wanted to share this because I really don't think it's being talked about enough what a mental toll this thing is taking on everyone. I can't even imagine what people are going through who have lost loved ones to this thing or are battling it themselves. But there's this unspoken rest of us who are dealing with something we've never dealt with before. And it fucking sucks.
So, we're finally, after a year of this damn thing, starting to turn a corner.
Cases are down, vaccines are being distributed, we're doing better. In fact we actually moved into the Red Tier last week. So even though there is a still a ways to go (Fingers and toes crossed we don't retract again) there's some hope on the horizon.
After a year of this thing I had my 1st scare.
We had a little scare around Christmas when we, masked up and socially distanced and very carefully saw our families but one member who was not part of our family pod waltzed in unmasked with his unmasked kid and proceeded to talk to everyone - hugged me before I knew what he was doing and infuriated my boyfriend. Later that week we found out he tested positive. Now the timing of it all and the fact that we were masked up and safe we weren't super worried, but that weekend we cancelled any errands or anything we were going to do just out of precaution because you know - we give a shit. All was well though so bullet dodged.
The real scare I had was just this week. We have to get weekly tests at work. Every Monday morning I go get my nose swabbed for our "rapid" test and then stare at my phone for the next half hour hoping they don't call. They only call you if you're positive.
Monday I got that call.
"You have a "faint" positive" the guy on the other line said. I felt my cheeks flush and my blood pressure skyrocket. "Do you have any symptoms?" He asked. I squeaked out a little no. He told me I had to come back so they could do a PCR test. These are the more invasive ones and you have to wait 24-72 hours for a result. I was then sent home and told to quarantine until I got the results. I drove home sobbing and told my boyfriend what happened. We were both totally weirded out not really sure what to do. He told the kid when she came home from school and she was weirded out too. I got a call later with the girl asking me all kinds of contact tracing questions and how I should quarantine. It was so awkward. She was nice as hell and said she was pretty confident this was nothing and this happens...blah blah BUT STILL!
Pat decided he'd cook instead of me. I ate with them but not at the table with them. I then went upstairs and stayed in the room the rest of the night, away from them. He thought I was over-reacting a bit but I just didn't know what to do. I had to send a text to the 3 other people I did a social distance film shoot with on Sunday. I had to text the friend I walked with on Friday morning. I'm always safe but still. I was mortified. Everyone was super supportive. I couldn't stop crying.
Over and over in my head I was trying to figure out what we were going to do if the results came back positive. The kid wasn't going to be able to go back to her moms house which she would not be happy about. Who would come in to work and get the checks? Should I just hide in my room every night? Should we all wear masks in the house? We were already probably exposed to each other right? If my test came back positive then Pat and Elise would go get tested. If they were negative then I'd def have to stay away from them. Pat tried to make me feel better saying it's not necessarily me that brought it in, I just happen to be the one that's tested. But even still - I felt like I had the plague.
I'm a hugely social/touchy feely person. I need hugs. I need touching. I need human contact. I need social interactions. I know it's only a 10 day isolation if your positive with no symptoms but isolation is a word I hate. I don't do well. My moderate to severe anxiety is amplified. And boy was it. I didn't sleep at all that night. Horrible dreams. I felt sick to my stomach all the next day. Pat kept asking if I'd heard yet. I know he was antsy too. I was an emotional wreck. I emailed the people twice but they kept saying no results yet. It could be a few days. I wasn't going to make a few days. I was spinning out of control. People just don't talk about anxiety. I called my mom and she said I wish you could just relax until you know. Me too mom. Me too. But unfortunately anxiety doesn't work that way. It's a nasty bitch who sets you off. I took a bunch of CBD oil, was trying to do breathing exercises, was trying to stay busy with work but I was a mess.
Then it came. I was in a meeting at 3:15. I saw the phone and shouted into the computer I had to take a call. "You're test is negative" I actually started shaking. I was so relieved. I had worked myself up into a frenzy. I ran upstairs to tell Pat and Elise. I then text the peeps and called my mom. I can't believe how much my body let go. I was shaking and crying. I've had to accept the fact that my anxiety over the years has got way worse. But you guys - this kind of shit SUCKS. I basically had a 2 day anxiety attack because I "might" have been positive for COVID. This pandemic is kicking our ass in so many different ways.
We need to talk about this. We need to share our stories. We need to know we're not alone. COVID is deadly but it's also damaging to our mental health. People need to understand and empathize with that. I'm exhausted today because of the turmoil my body went through the past couple of days. Mental health is no damn joke.
