I feel it. My emotions are a bit up and down, I'm in a sort of funk and I find myself extra weepy. Figured it was time to put it into my blog. Mom is on edge. I had a tension headache yesterday and she text me this morning to make sure I was ok. I know dad and I will talk about it tomorrow on our weekly lunch date and he'll retell the memory of when he drove to the airport in Illinois not sure if he was going to get back to California to a dead daughter. Harsh? Yup. It was. He's retold that story a thousand times and it still haunts him. Hell it still haunts me. I still panic if I have a sudden headache. I still tear up remembering sometimes. I still wonder why I was spared.
5 Years ago my life changed.
I now refer to life as BSAH and ASAH. Before subarachnoid hemorrhage and after subarachnoid hemorrhage.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember standing up from the bicep curl machine at Fitness 19 on Chapman that Wednesday early evening. I remember the very odd and very painful headache wash over my head causing me to stumble. I remember actually driving the short distance home feeling like I was going to throw up. I remember breaking into a sweat and shaking and realizing something was very very wrong. I remember trying to call my mom 1st but got her voicemail. Then making the decision that saved my life and dialing 911. Staring at my phone a minute before hitting send, not sure if I really wanted to do this. I remember hearing the paramedics come into the house as I was throwing up in the bathroom. I remember the ambulance ride. I remember the awful ER treatment. I remember Danelle arriving. Then my mom. I remember getting a CAT Scan and I remember the mood changing after that. Another CAT Scan with dye. It gets fuzzy. I'm now in dark room surrounded by windows of nurse stations and my mom is talking to the nurse who just brought her a blanket and pillow so she can sleep on the bench next to me. Then it blurs. I remember being scared. Being angry. Being confused. I remember my nurses Eva and Maria. Maria would give me foot rubs. I remember the MRI. I remember the Angiogram. I remember Libby crying over me. I remember Robin bringing me a balloon. I remember Terri's reaction when I was brought back into the room. I remember my dads face, trying not to look like the color just drained from his face when he walked in and saw me for the 1st time.
Recovery was awful. Probably the most pain I've ever been in my entire life. Blood pooling in the base of your spine from your head is no fun. Nor is landing back in the ER because your gut has been ruined by all the pain meds.
But - I bounced back. I did water exercises in the Jacuzzi to build my strength back up. Mom took care of me. Dad came by almost every day. Friends brought food and flowers and gifts and kept my spirits up. When the time came for my 2nd Angiogram all was well. The Dr. came into my recovery room and said the magic words - "You're perfect." I'm in the 10% of people who actually survive one of these.
And here I am today. 5 Years later. A very different person.
There have been some after effects that have come to light. The schwannoma in my head, chillin on my inner ear balance nerve. I have a specialist watching that via yearly MRI's. Then my new "condition" that a different specialist is working on. Let's just say it's like motion sickness on steroids. He's confident it's neurological and confident the SAH did trigger it. Unfortunately still dealing with that one and may not ever be able to fly but not ruling it out yet.
But friends - I'm alive. I'm happy. I'm grateful every single day. Having your perspective on life change is a trip. I've learned to deal with being an empath. I'm working on living in the moment. Accepting everything about me and not trying to change anything. I have anxiety. I'm very emotional. I have OCD. And that's all ok. I have a therapist that helps me deal with the emotional roller coaster that sometimes comes along with knowing I survived and being ok that I'm not perfect. I'm still finding who I am. What brings me joy. But what I've learned so far is this:
Treasure moments. Cry. Love. Hug. Practice kindness and compassion. Be a good friend. Be good to yourself. Accept your flaws. Life is so fucking short and none of us know when it's our time. I'm still learning how to balance everything but I'm enjoying the process. It's a delicate dance and you'll fall but just get back up and keep going.
I'm surrounded by amazing family and friends and hope to be an amazing person back!
Thank you readers for coming along with me on my journeys. Looking forward to many many more!
No comments:
Post a Comment