My grandma said I was fat...

Well those weren’t her exact words, but as I walked out of the room she said very loudly, as she always does hell I’m embarrassed to take her out in public sometimes due to this, to her caregiver “Boy she’s getting heavy!”  At first I thought she was talking about someone on the TV.  Then she followed it up with “It’s such a surprise with all that walking she does.”  We had just ended a conversation about me walking to the Orange Circle with a friend for lunch.

I was appalled.  First of all let me clarify something – I’m not fat.  In fact, I’m probably the healthiest I’ve ever been.  I’m no waif, but I’m solid.  The last time I was at the Dr. I was perfect.  All my numbers are in the right place.  In fact – perfectly in the right place.  The doc jokes how healthy I am – gold stars all around.  I don’t have a six pack belly, it’s a bit soft.  I weigh a little more than the average 5’4, 38 year old woman because I have a lot of muscle.  I’m not fucking fat.  My grandma is just an asshole.

So why does this bother me so much? 

Body Shaming or Fat Shaming or whatever it’s called right now is a big deal.  In fact, I’m listening to an audio series called Stop the Beauty Madness and as some aren't really doing it for me, a few others are really interesting.  Below are some of my favorite images from the campaign.

I felt the need to blog because this has been on my mind for a while.  Well, forever.  As it is with 99.9% of women.  I’ve never really blogged about it but with all the times I’ve put my foot in my mouth lately, and as proud as I am at how healthy and fit I am, with these kinds of campaigns having to happen, with our society’s obsession with beauty, with a group of women on social media that are constantly flipping out about their weight or looks or something, with me dealing with it in some aspect every single day and now with my own grandma saying I’m a fattie – it’s time.  I don’t think this blog is going to necessarily go anywhere but I feel the need to get at least some of it out.

It’s a delicate dance.  There are women who are obese and unhealthy.  There are women who are a size 0 and unhealthy.  There are women who are built larger but healthy as a horse and same goes for the ladies built with slight frames who are very healthy.  Society is obsessed with beauty and weight.  You’re constantly reading about celebrities having to always be thin and beautiful.  Now photo shopping is a huge thing because it’s been brought to light how much of it is done out there giving people bullshit images that they think they have to look like to be accepted.  It’s not just women – its men too.  People are committing suicide over this, bullying others over this, constantly fighting your own self-worth.  It's awful!

I have other friends who call themselves “former fat girls/boys” and they too are so scared to ever go back.  Some have gone to scary extremes, some are super healthy and in fantastic shape now, some bounce back and forth and I watch it take such a toll on them emotionally and it breaks my heart.

What do we do?  How do we stop it?  What can I do?  Problem is – I don’t know.  I try to encourage friends who are battling weight issues to walk with me or do something active.  I think I’m helping but I’ve realized I’m not.  There are those out there who have a food addiction.  This is just as serious as a drug addiction but it’s not looked at the same.   I used to complain when I would gain a few pounds and a friend who may be larger than me looks at me as if I’m insane.  Um – foot in mouth.  I’m now an insensitive asshole.  But then the next day a tiny skinny friend is bitching to me she’s put on some weight.  WTF!  Why are so obsessed with our weight?  Oh wait…I know…because that’s how we’ve been raised.

The same goes for “beauty”.  Yes, we try to tell ourselves and others that beauty is on the inside and out and beauty comes in so many shapes and sizes and it does!  But do we really buy that?  I have a friend who stops men in their tracks.  I got to the point where being around her made me feel so self-conscious because everyone thought she was so gorgeous and I felt like such an ugly piece of shit.  We got into an argument once about the different problems“pretty girls” and “not as pretty girls” have and I was instantly furious to think she would have any of the same problems I have.  It’s not the same!  Actually it is.  We all battle different battles whether it’s weight, looks, intelligence or whatever.

I love fashion.  You wouldn’t think so when you look at me but I love models and runway shows.  I love to watch America’s Next Top Model, yes because the photo shoots are always unique, but also because of the want-a-be models.  I love to look at fashion magazines and watch the interesting models on the runways.  Does that make me an asshole consumer buying into society’s image of what’s pretty?

I've had horrible self esteem my whole life.  My biggest issue growing up is I "looked like a boy."  That's what they told me.  I had a mullet like hair do at one point.  I had braces forever.  I was not a "pretty" child.  I look in the mirror now and I do like what I see.  I think I have a great smile.  My freckles are cute.  But that little ugly girl is still in there.  I find myself squeezing my tummy wondering if it will ever be flat again.  I find myself lifting my chipmunk cheeks wondering if it would make me look prettier.   I rub that damn bump on my nose constantly wondering what I would look like if it was just filed down a little bit.  I don't post pictures I think I look ugly in.  I'm in love with photo filters.  It's ridiculous.  I want to say I've totally conquered that low self esteem but I haven't.  I look around at my friends with boyfriends/husbands/families and wonder why I never can seem to "attract boys".  Yet - now a days I catch myself in the mirror and think "Look at that shoulder muscle!"  "Holy shit I look good today".  I scrunch up my face and think I still look kinda cute even when I'm making a stupid face.  I never used to be that way.  So ya - I'm think I'm better.  But totally confident and strut down the street with my head held high?  Not quite.

But - I posted this no make up photo that I think is pretty cute and the campaign now has it on their website:

 I mean I am more confident!

I’m hoping listening to this campaign will give me some insight.  Reading more articles.  Researching anything I can.  I want to boost my own self confidence but also help and inspire others.  I try to listen to the woes of friends and peers.  How can I be more sensitive?  How can I be of help?  Is there even a point?  Is society ever not going to be obsessed with body image?  How can we teach our next generations that you don’t have to look like a cookie cutter image of what society thinks is beautiful?  How do we tell them it’s boring to look like everyone else?  Yet…here I am…still hurt by what my grandma said and find myself looking in the mirror a few more times a day trying to see what she saw.  

Ugh.  I don't work out anymore to look good I work out to feel good.  I survived that squeak with death because I was healthy, not because I was pretty.  I can conquer OCR's because I'm strong.  I really do feel fucking great.  So why the blog?  

This is such a touchy subject but I don’t know what else to do other than write about it.  Beauty for me is health.  If you feel good you look good.  You can see beauty in people’s eyes, in their souls, in their laugh, in their little quirks that they don’t know they have.  I love to watch people just be themselves. 

Where do we go from here?  I don’t know.