Human Contact...

I don’t mean to be a downer here, but this blog may come off as one.  I just felt the need to jot this down as I do find it interesting.

So last night I had a dream.  It was a mixed dream.  A combination of being very nostalgic and very sad.  The dream was also very very real.  It was one of those dreams where I may go through life and think back to the dream and not be quite sure if it happened or if I dreamed it.

The nostalgic part was interesting – I was at my best friend’s old house and her family was all there.  It looked just as I remember and we were going through old photos and the photos contained many people from my past.  Some actual photos I’ve seen or have others of people I know but not photos I think actually exist.  It was kind of a trip.

The sad part was this:  A male friend and I were looking out my mom’s front door.  I don’t know what we were watching because the memory is of the feeling not what we were looking at.  He’s taller than me and I was standing to the side of him.  He had one arm around my shoulder and I had my hands wrapped around his mid-section.  This wasn’t something sexual at all.  It was that contact.  I know I miss having contact with a man in my life but it really hit me at this point.  What was even weirder, is somewhere in my conscious (or unconscious I suppose) I knew this wasn’t real.  He turned to hug me and we hugged for so long.  I started crying into his shoulder because I miss this so much.  I woke up so sad.

Here’s the thing.  I think people don’t realize how important human contact is until it’s gone.  I used to be part of a thriving theatre community.  We were all like family.   Always touching each other, hugging each other, sitting in each other’s laps, etc.  Yes of course there were the flirty playfulness portions but honestly most of it was not sexual at all.  It was just that contact.  Non-theatre friends would make comments about how close we all are and I would just laugh it off.  Now it’s gone.  It’s been gone for quite a few years now but it’s slowly been setting in how much I miss that.  What’s even harder for me to swallow is how much I miss having a boyfriend/husband/regular man in my life that I can get that from.

I notice subtle things more as well.  I was at a ballgame recently and two sets of couples were sitting next to me.  They were so affectionate to each other.  Not obnoxiously but subtly.  When one gal stood up and was waiting for her other friend to get up so they could go get beer or something, her boyfriend or husband gently just rubbed her lower back.  It was a complete subconscious move.  And so sweet.

Whenever I see my besties little girl I touch her head and pull her into me.  I don’t know why, but she goes with it and leans into me when I do.  It’s like our little affectionate move.

You always think you want a significant other for so many other reasons – sex, love, family, best friend, etc.  But I don’t think people in a relationship realize that you may be taking for granted the one simple thing of touch.  When I dated a boy for a few months I remember how much I loved when he would hold my hand, or throw his arm around me, or when we were in bed I would just lay with my head on his chest and cuddle into that little nook.  That.  That right there is what I miss so much.

That contact I had in my dream made me so sad.  It’s really been a while since the loneliness gripped my heart this hard.  I hate that.

This of course then put me in a funky mood which I proceed to battle throughout the morning.  I then found myself crying again realizing how much I missed my Papa and how he used to hug me.  He was such a strong burly man and his hugs were the kind that should be listed in the dictionary under bear hugs.  He passed just this last November but I hadn’t been able to really hug him since he became bed ridden which was early 2012.  My heart broke again and I wished I would have hugged him so much more.

I know you can’t dwell on these sorts of thing and I don’t expect any of you to come and give me a big ol bear hug anytime soon.  It’s cool and it would probably be weird.  I mean I hug my friends and family on a regular basis.  It’s how I usually say hello and goodbye to people.  In fact sometimes I find myself not sure if I should hug on someone I don’t know very well or work with or something but hug is usually the first place I go.  I’m not hug deprived.

But.

Those of you who are huggers – hug a little tighter.  Relish those hugs a little more.  Those of you in relationships – relish the hand holding.  The touching.  Holding each other.  You honestly will not know how much you need these things until they have been gone for a long period of time.  I’ve reached that long period of time and it hurts.  It hurts a lot. 

I hate to admit that here because it shows my vulnerability but I’ve gotten over that and want to share this to anyone else going through something similar. 

I honestly believe what hasn’t sent me into more of a spiral of sadness is the tremendous amounts of human contact I do have in my life.  Like I said – I’m a hugger!  I'm also a really happy person most of the time.  It's these annoying little moments that creep up on you unexpected. 

Again, I don’t mean for this post to be a downer but I find it so very interesting how the act of human contact really does affect your psyche.  Ya, there are articles all over the place talking about exactly this but here it is from a real girl. 

I shook my mood and feel perfectly content now so I figured I’d go ahead and post this.  Hold your significant others a little more my friends.  Cherish those moments.

Here's some adorable hug memes to lighten the mood!