Glen Ivy...

A while ago I went to visit some friends of mine who live out in Indio.  They are getting married in October.  When I went to visit, the future hubs said to me “Please get her to do SOMETHING for a shower or bachelorette!”

My girlfriend isn’t a big partier, drinker, what have you so she hasn’t anything planned.  The boys of course are having a bachelor weekend and I know he just wants her to have something too. 

“What about a spa day?” I ask thinking of lunch and mani/pedi or something.

She’s down.  She makes sure it’s planned around so I can come.  I get the invite via email from her Maid of Honor saying we are doing a day at Glen Ivy Hot Springs Spa.

Awesome I think.

I went once before like 100 years ago when I was 17 or 18.  It was like $10 to get in and there’s a cool mud bath thing.  I’m really really short on cash right now, but figure it won’t be too bad.

“I’m in!” I email back.

I trek to the website to check it out.

$64 TO JUST GET IN THE PLACE NOW!

Holy shit have things changed!  I look around the website and the place is huge now!  It’s like a Spa City!

I fall into a slight panic mode trying to figure out how to make this work.  After a bit of hemming and hawing I suck it up and decide to just charge it.  F it.  It’s for my lovely friend, they planned it around me I heard, and hell it was sort of my idea.  I just don’t plan on getting any of the “treatments” that’s for damn sure.

After email trains back and forth with the gal putting this on they say I don’t need to help or bring anything, just pretty much show up.

Dope.

I put together a little spa gift for my friend and set the day aside.  It’s open 9-6.  Oh I’ll be there 9-6!  $64.  Mutter.  Grumble.

The gal told me they were arriving right when it opened to stake a spot and decorate.  Decorate?  I didn’t think you could really decorate there, but ok.

The day comes and I have my tote ready, full of multiple towels, a change of clothes, my hair products (Don’t you think I’m not taking advantage of the showers with the free nice smelling soap!), Dea’s gift, a magazine, sunscreen and my floppy hat.  I feel like a professional.  Like I totally do Spa Days all the damn time. Ha!

I arrive right when it opens at 9am.  I take a deep breathe; I’m always a little nervous to hang out with a bunch of people I don’t know, and get out of my truck.  I look around at the parking lot filling up with cars and gaggles of women chatting and laughing all with giant totes.  I also notice most of the cars are expensive cars.  Oh lord.

I notice all of the rocks around the place are set up like this.  Very Zen.  Nice.

I head up the walkway and into a line forming out of the place.  I realize you check in with a cashier and if you are new probably have a lot of questions so it wasn’t a fast moving line.

I get sent to my cashier and she hands me a map of the grounds, shows me where the lockers are and charges me the $64.

“Would you like to keep your credit card on file to use throughout the day?”  I’m tempted but know my willpower or lack thereof and say no.

I decide to take a stroll of the grounds since I have no idea who these girls are or what they look like. 

Cool water spout thing here:

Then I find this AWESOME little area.  It’s under a gazebo, two rocking chairs and so lovely and quiet.  I look around and the place is still pretty empty and there is no one around me so I sit and practice mindfulness for about 10 minutes.  Perfect way to start the day.

As I walk around, the place has multiple hot tub/spas, a mud bath area called Club Mud, mineral hot tubs, a saline spa, a hot and cold plunge, a lounge pool, two other pools and a lap pool.  There is also a bunch of small buildings that the treatments are held in, a large café, some cabanas and a few gift shops.  Not to mention the just really pretty little areas all around.  I mean the place is friggin gorgeous!

On my way to the lockers I spot two girls decorating a little nook with Tiki themed stuff.  This has to be them.  Dea loooooooooves Tiki.

“Sarah?” I say.

“Yes!”

We found each other.  Rad.

Sarah and her roomie had found the perfect little nook for us.  It was right behind Club Mud, very shady and quite private.  It was perfect!  She had also set it up so very cute!  She had our lounge chairs all set up for us as you see here:

She had tiki lanterns strung across the area, a huge sign, leis for all of us and a bouquet of flowers.  I was very impressed!

There was also our own private waterfall/pond it seemed.

After we set everything up, we took our stuff to the lockers and waited for the Bride to Be.  We ended up waiting quite a while so we got ourselves some drinks and got to know each other.  The gals were rad.  Yay! 

Dea showed up and was beyond thrilled.

We started off with food.  It was nearing noon and we were starving.  Everything of course was waaaaaaaaaay overpriced but I have to say – I ordered the sushi and it was delish and so pretty!

I was also told my iced tea was refillable all day.  Hells yes.  This was my drink the rest of the day.

We decided to do Club Mud first.  Sarah whipped out a bottle of grape seed extract oil and explained instead of paying $25 extra to go to the “Grotto” and get painted up with oils (They advise you do this before the Mud because it can dry out your skin) she brought her own.  A girl after my own heart.

So we all lathered up and headed to Club Mud.  You walk into a waist high pool with a giant clay thing in the middle and basically rub it all over yourself.  I put it everywhere.  Face included.  We all looked like aborigines when we were done.  You then hung out in the sun to “bake”.  They also had a little sauna area you could go in as well which we did.  Once dry you take these towels they give you and scrub off the mud (This exfoliates you) and then you shower in the outdoor showers lathering up with the yummy lavender body wash.

Your skin feels like silk.  One of the girls and me kept joking that we couldn’t stop touching ourselves.

We then lounged a while.  Then went into the mineral pools.  These smell like sulfur.  They are also way hot.  I wasn’t much of a fan of these.  We went into a random hot tub.  We got some drinks.  We went into the saline spa.  I loved this one.  We then rested some more.  Then out to the lounge pool which is about a 1 foot deep pool and you just float on these rafts.  So relaxing.  We then did the hot/cold plunge.  You soak in the hot tub then plunge into the cold one.  You’re supposed to do this 5 times.  It was actually kinda cool.

That was pretty much it!  None of the girls got “treatments”.  Dea opened her presents.  We lounged around talking and chatting and laughing.  They offered free classes throughout the day that we talked of doing but never did.  It’s almost like the relaxing nature of the place just drugged you into doing nothing.  It was bliss.

The people watching was kind of fun too.  Mostly upper class folks it seemed.  Not surprised.  They probably come all the time.  There were also lots of groups, birthdays and showers I'm sure.  I have to admit, a lot of the guests were kind of snooty but again, not surprised.  We did get a lot of compliments on our decor though.  I think everyone was jealous.  Go Sarah.

A bit before 5 we were all getting somewhat water logged and decided to call it a day.  We hit the locker rooms.  In here we tried out the Roman Bath.  A hot tub that was way too chlorine-y.  Then we sat in the steam room awhile.  I love steam rooms!!!!  I always feel like I’m just sweating out all my bad stuff.  Then we hit the showers.  I over-used the lavender conditioner and body wash and took my time getting together and getting everything gathered.  It was a bit nutty in the locker room by this point but still very cool.  They also have this awesome spinner thing you throw your suit in that helps dry it a bit before you head out.

We all walked out together and hugged and headed home.  

I stopped at Toms Farms on my way out and re-lived memories from many camping trips out this way and always stopping here.  I of course picked up a French baguette, freshly baked and still warm, some honey butter, turkey jerky and homemade cookies.  All my favorites!

All in all it was a lovely lovely relaxing day.  The $64 is a bit steep but it was such a nice day it made it all worth it.  I was told you can go for free on your actual birthday so I would love to bring my mom.  I think she would really enjoy it and we would do it a bit differently.  Maybe actually do the free classes and explore it a bit more.  Below are some shots of all the girls and my favorite shot of me and the Bride to Be, my awesome friend Miss Dea!  All the girls were very cool.  It was a perfect sized small group and we had a wonderful time.  Congrats to Dea!  Can't wait for the big day!

Faith...

I’ve been grappling with “Faith” a lot lately. 

Especially after last year.

I was raised Christian or Presbyterian if you want to get specific.  I went to a church called Covenant Presbyterian in Orange.  My mom is Christian.  My dad calls himself Agnostic but believes in God.  Just not much of what the bible says.  I went to Vacation Bible School as a kid.  I even taught Sunday school for a while to the littles.  Then things started going awry, making me question faith.  This usually happens when you get old enough to have an opinion and start to question things, which most of the church folk don’t usually like.

It started when our “Teen” group teacher guy started talking about Pre-Destination.  Basically God has his chosen ones and then the rest of us.  From what he taught, if you were “chosen” it didn’t matter what you did (like murder someone), you had your ticket to heaven.  I raised my hand:

“So if I live my life being a good person and helping others and doing right by the world and not killing, stealing, etc.  If I’m not “chosen” I don’t get to go to heaven?”

Precisely.

Bullshit.

This led to half our group starting to act “Chosen”.  It was ridiculous.  This was also about the time (I was about 11/12) I started getting into drugs, teen angst and lots of questions/opinions about things.  I of course wasn’t “chosen”.  Some of the kids started bitching about this to their parents and the teacher was promptly canned. 

Well that’s good at least.  This church did not believe in Pre-Destination.

We also had a minister at the time that I really did like.  He didn’t really “preach”.  He told stories.  He was really animated and cool and fun and I didn’t even feel like I was going to church when I listened to him.  It was more like a great stage presence sharing his stories.  He wasn’t judgmental.  He didn’t care who you were, you were accepted.  He was a really great man.  He moved away, got hit by a train, was on so much medication he ended up committing suicide.  By the way, this man had a lovely wife and like 3 kids.  WTF.

The man that replaced him was a dick.  It divided the congregation in half and people were basically on one side or the other and at war with each other.  This is when I left the church.

Now, even though this particular church had its share of bullshit, I left because I was starting to not be sure of what I believe anymore and would have left even if the church was unicorns and flowers all day.

I still prayed at night but I didn’t go to church anymore.  Neither one of my parents pushed any sort of anything on me or my brother which I appreciated. 

Well, life went on.  I never really questioned anything, just sort of went along with my life.  The man I married had pretty much the same sort of belief that I did so religion wasn’t really a part of my life ever again.  When people would ask me what I believe I replied with “Spiritual, not religious.”

The older I got, the more I wondered.  My circle of friends is a huge modge podge of beliefs.  I have strong Catholics to total atheists.  Most of my friends really aren’t all that religious at all.

I would still pray.  Usually the same prayer all the time.  Asking God to keep me and my family and my friends and my pets safe and healthy.  A man who would make me happy. Blah blah blah.

 Then there would be adjustments depending on what was going on.  I usually would always be praying about somebody because somebody always had some sort of shit storm and I would feel bad and pray it gets better for them.  This went on for years.

Then I started understanding politics a little better and things like Prop 8 arose and people were spouting off such hatred about two people of the same sex getting married was wrong because the bible said so.  I found myself losing friendships because of this.  I would get into arguments with people I didn’t realize were so religious and close minded and come back at them with “It also says you can’t wear wool, or color your hair or get divorced in the bible!  Your telling me that you people can pick and choose which “laws” you want to believe and it’s ok?!”    These people are not my friends anymore because THAT’S WHAT THEY BELIEVED!  I just can’t do it.  I can’t argue that point anymore.  It’s ridiculous.

So I started talking to friends of mine who really strongly believe in God and fight Prop 8 as hard as I do and ask them.  “WTF do you say to people?”

I started a really great conversation with a friend of mine whom I adore and she says the God she believes in just wouldn’t be that way.  Wouldn’t judge people on who they love, etc.  I started really drilling my mom because she too was a fighter of Prop 8 yet believes in God.  She said “The Bible really needs to be updated.”  Mom also told me not to always pray for the same things, that I should believe when I ask for things they will happen when the time is right.  I asked other friends of mine who were pretty religious but open minded and they all said pretty much the same thing.  Yes the bible says certain things but it’s the bible they necessarily believe in, it’s God.

These conversations helped a bit but still had me wondering what I believe. 

I found myself trying to be more grateful and thankful for things.  I pretty much stopped praying unless there was something really bad that happened.

I then started seeing a Buddhist Therapist.  I had always appreciated Buddhism and was now learning it and somewhat practicing it.  I now found myself taking a bit from every religion and sort of mixing it into my own.  I started trying to meditate.  To be less violent.  To be kind.

Then my head exploded.

Once I recovered I found it odd that I didn’t pray once.  The whole time I was in ICU I didn’t pray.  I heard a shit ton of people prayed for me.  My dad told me he believes in the power of prayer.  I was asked if I “saw a light” if I was ever scared.  If I prayed for help.  To live.  To not be in pain.  I just stared at them blankly and said nope.  Nothing.

Of course when you have a near death experience it’s normal to start questioning faith more and more which is what I have found myself doing.

I met with our Dean of the Chapel here at Chapman and told her all of what I have stated above.  She said “Why can’t your meditations be prayers?”  Hmmmm.   Good point.  She was a great person to talk to and when I say Dean of the Chapel – this Chapel is the Interfaith Center which houses all religions, beliefs, etc.

In May Rainn Wilson spoke at the baccalaureate here and spoke of the Baha’i Faith.  It sounded amazing.  He was so inspirational and I picked up his book Soul Pancake that “Answers life’s big questions”.  I haven’t read it yet but I plan to.

Losing our friend Little John last week ripped my hear t into pieces as I sat and thought about what it was like as he lay there knowing he was going to die soon.  It made me realize how scared I am to die.  I am scared of the unknown.  I am scared to be alone. 

I think, and I say I think because I’m still exploring, I have come to a conclusion on what I believe.

I know it sounds wishy washy that I don’t just know, but I don’t.  I feel the need to continue to explore but I’ve started to realize it’s all going in the same direction.

I believe in something.  A God of sorts.  I don’t think it is necessarily meant for us to know what it is.  But it’s there.  Something is there.

I also believe that when we die that’s not it.  There is something else.  What that is I don’t know, and again, I don’t think it’s meant for us to know.  This is also why I think it’s ok to be scared.  I mean who isn’t afraid of the unknown?

I also believe that when people ask the big question “What is the meaning of life?”  My answer is to live!  I think the meaning of life is to live your life, practice loving-kindness, be good to your fellow human and animal kind and to continue exploring.

Some may say this is a cop out, but I don’t care.  When you look at all of the religions out there they are basically all the same thing!  They all have a “God” of some sort; they all have an afterlife of some sort – whether that is reincarnation or another life who knows.  They all pretty much tell you to be a good person.  I mean it’s all the same!  It’s just worded differently.  And for the bible?  I think that was a bunch of stories written by a bunch of men many lifetimes ago.  I’m sure there is some truth to a lot of those stories, but that’s just it – they are stories.

So when asked – I probably am pretty much still spiritual.  I’m on a path of finding my way but I feel like I have some substance now.  I still pray but not often, usually in situations like last week when I’m praying for comfort and love to be sent to the family of my friend.  I practice mindfulness and meditation daily.  I am constantly practicing gratitude, writing it, praying it, saying it in affirmations.  I’m trying to bump up my random acts of kindness and be a better person all around. I believe in balance and energy.

I know I rambled on a long time on this particular subject but this has been quite a wrestling match and it feels good to finally get a little of it out of my head.

This is right. 

This is what feel is right in my heart.

Fuck Cancer...

I have been reeling from the news that a childhood friend of mine, Little John, just died from cancer.  He went into the hospital in early August complaining of stomach pains and was diagnosed with Stage 4 Liver Cancer.  He died yesterday.

Seriously.  WHAT THE FUCK!?

We weren’t super close, but I am close to his family and we have a few connections.  His sister is Monica is Susan’s best friend.  Susan is one of my very close friends from childhood.  John is best friends with our friend who passed, whom we always called Little John (We had a lot of “Johns in our circle).  John is the brother of my very best friend Libby.  So basically all of our families have grown up/played together.  Little John’s parents are always at gatherings that Susan and her family have.  I adore Monica and consider her a very good friend.  There is another brother Matt who I’m also not super close with but we are acquainted.

My mom is actually currently fostering “Willow” the family dog since they have been at the hospital and then with Little John in hospice at his brothers all of this time.

Little John was in a very serious car accident about 16 years or so ago that left him paralyzed to a wheelchair and severe brain damage.  He had come such a long way.  Hell, the guy got his Masters not too long ago.  He has a teenager daughter and was married to a gal he had met in re-hab. 

We saw each other at gatherings, usually at Susan’s and were friendly with each other.  When we were kids there was a big group of us that was always getting into trouble and causing mischief.  We drifted apart as we got older as a lot of childhood pals do but as I said, still saw each other now and again.

I’m having an extremely hard time dealing with this and felt my best weapon against whirling minds is to write about it. 

It doesn’t seem fair.  He was my age.  He already had his share of tragedy with the accident and how hard he has worked to come back from that.  Stomach pains turning into cancer that killed him in a little over the month!?  What the hell!?  Susan of course is having a hard time as well and said to me through our tears last night:

“This isn’t supposed to happen, Jami.   Our friend who is our age is not supposed to go to the hospital with stomach pains and die.  Your head was not supposed to explode last year and scare the shit out of everyone.  This is not supposed to happen!”

I sobbed in agreement. 

My heart is breaking for the family.  I can’t imagine what they are all going through.  I said this to my mom and she said “How do you think we felt last year honey?”

I know she didn’t mean it but it sent me into hysterical sobs again.  I’m not going to lie – I am not completely recovered emotionally from that yet and may never be.

I don’t know if it’s just the fact that I’m getting older, or the fact that I did come close to death myself last year, or the fact that I am just a huge sap and am finally admitting it but I’m having a harder and harder time dealing with things like this.

I am terrified that I could have cancer.  That my mom or my dad or my brother could have cancer.  That another friend of mine will have cancer.  Hell, my dad’s best friend is fighting male breast cancer!  His ex-wife passed from it last year!!  In fact, they had a news clip they shared with all of us that you can see here. That would be my dad's best friend right there.  The timing couldn’t have been more emotional right now:

ABCNews

WHY THE HELL CAN THEY NOT FIND A CURE FOR THIS!

I know.

We all can’t live our lives in fear of things like this.  We can do everything we possibly can to prevent such things from happening, but you never know.   Look at my grandfather.  He is 98 years old and yes fighting dementia but his body is healthy and won’t quit.  He is working on hitting a Hospice record one of our caregivers jokes.  Then there’s me – I changed my lifestyle to the healthy one, no smoking, drinking cut down to almost none, more active than most of my friends, eating as healthy as I can and wham – ICU.  I had another friend of mine awhile back who had did have a history of high blood pressure survive a very severe stroke. You never fucking know. 

But still, it’s there.  That fear.  That shock when someone is just taken from you so quickly.  All that keeps running through my head is: Was he in pain?  Was he scared?  Did he know he was going to die?  Was he mad?

It’s awful.

I was in denial during most of my stint in ICU.  I didn’t realize the severity of what happened to me until later.  I burst into tears when I think:  How would I react if I knew I only had a few days?  I know I would be scared.  What would I do?

I just can’t stop myself from over thinking everything right now.  I know it will quiet down with time but I’m just so sad.  I’m so sad for the family.  I’m so sad that Little John won’t be able to listen to music anymore.  Or feel the sunshine on his face.  Or pet a soft kitten.  Or hug a loved one. 

As always the question of faith gets brought up in situations like this.  I feel the need to tackle this subject in a different blog.  I do think I’ve gotten somewhere on what I believe.  I was told he had “Found God” not long ago and many were comforted by that.  I’m glad for that.  I hope the family and loved ones can find comfort in something.  Right now I cannot be comforted.  I’m sad and upset and a bit angry.  

My heart is so heavy, Little John!  Your life on this earth was much much too short.  May you rest in peace wherever you are.  I will hold onto the memories I have of us goofing off as children and the lovely conversations we shared at gatherings.  You are so very loved by so many.