A little catholic humor...

So it seems appropriate on this Ash Wednesday to share this story that will probably make most religious folks help pave my road to hell. But I was sharing this story today with a co-worker and she laughed hysterically. Then I realized that the people I have shared this with always seem to laugh. So – since I love to make people laugh, here’s a portion of my memoir I will someday write on my life that you may find funny or you may want to send me straight to hell.


My best friend is catholic. She doesn’t really practice as much now, but when we were kiddies growing up her family was very very catholic. Whenever I would knock on her door to ask if she could come out and play my timing was always the worst and would land right smack when they were doing their daily rosary thing. It was this video they watched and they held their beads and chanted Hail Mary like things along with said video. Every damn time I would knock, realize what they were doing, try to turn and run, her boisterous happy father would shout “Jami!!!!! Come in and do the rosary with us!” and yank me by my shirt sleeve, sit me down on the cold ripped up leather couch, hand me some beads and there I was. Stuck again. I would shoot my bestie looks as she silently giggled at the fact that I was getting sucked into this crap again.

Come her communion, I think it was called. We were teens and I had gone to church a bit when I was younger and was aware of the passing around of the crackers and grape juice sometimes during church. I loved this part. Free snack! Of course I was in. But I had gone to a Presbyterian church. Much more chill then the more hardcore religions out there. So bestie had invited me to go to this communion thing of hers. She had gone to classes and this was the sort of graduation I guess. Anywhoo, I arrived alone and sat in the back since I was late. Her family was all up front and probably would have saved me from this sinful move I’m about to tell you if they were sitting next to me and could have warned me.

Here goes – So after the million yearlong service of the man in the robes droning on about the bible there was a portion where everyone got up and got in line in front of the priest fellow. I sat there for a while, but when it was obvious that I was the only one not getting in line and I was getting angry looks from the people in line. So I thought “Maybe I’m supposed to do this as well as an audience member”. So I stepped in line. I was watching the people get a cracker looking thing from the man, then stepping next to this other guy and taking a drink from a big gold goblet. “OH!!!! This is the catholic form of snack time!” I thought to myself. Awesome, as my stomach was starting to growl anyway. I noticed the people would cup their hands a certain way and the priest would put the cracker in their hand and they would both say something. I kept trying to hear what they were saying but not able to. So my turn came. I cupped my hands like everyone else and he put the cracker in my hand. “Thanks man!” I said and promptly ate the cracker. It was nasty. It was sort of like a cardboard wafer. Nothing like the salty good mini crackers we used to get when I was a kid! I made a face and the priest cocked his head to the right with a slightly curious look in his eyes. I moved onto the drink person and took a big swig to wash out the nasty fake cracker taste. The drink man didn’t look as curious but more annoyed at me. I smiled and said “Thanks! ” As I turned to return to my seat I see some of the besties family looking at me mortified and mouthing “WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!”. I shrugged and sat down and did my best to stay awake for the remainder of the show.

Well. I come to find out later it’s pretty much blasphemy to take communion at a catholic church if you are not catholic. My bestie was mortified when she found out but laughed her ass off at the same time. When she asked me why on earth I would think to do this, I told her that everyone else got up and did it and they were all looking at me like the jackass so I thought I was supposed to. I didn’t want to embarrass her at her graduation. She just laughed and shook her head. Even though her mom wouldn’t speak to me for months after that, swearing I had committed a heinous crime, I thought it was funny. Her mom got over it. God didn’t strike me down with lighting or something when I ate my snack. The priest seemed more curious than mad and now it seems to make for a funny story.

I will tell you this though, I was invited to another catholic event of my friends baby getting the water splooshed on his head party and when everyone got up to get there snack and looked at me with menacing eyes, I just sat back and ate my granola bar and thought “I KNOW I’m not supposed to eat your nasty cracker so move on!”

Just some funnies...

So sometimes I like to share random happenings that may make you laugh or smile at my expense. I do sometimes believe that I was put on this earth to entertain so here ya go!

Warning: This 1st bit may be a bit graphic. So I was cutting a bagel a couple of weeks ago with my new paring knife from Fresh & Easy. I was wondering to myself if it’s a good one and BAM. Sliced the shit out of my thumb. I mean the kind of slice that blood gushes out of like a dam burst and it looks like your thumb now has a mouth. I run to the bathroom getting blood everywhere and hold it under cold water. As I’m trying with my good hand to get the Neosporin and band aids out, this is turning into a comic routine. Applying pressure, washing the gushing wound, trying to get a band aid open and on as well as the Neosporin with one hand is not easy. I succeeded. It took a few days of tight band aids to get the wound to start to heal. I actually think I probably should have gotten stiches but we seem to be ok now. On to funnier part – so this past Saturday morning, I’m cutting a bagel again with the very sharp paring knife from Fresh & Easy and I say out loud to my cats “Boy, I hope I don’t slice my finger again!” Before the word again is out of my mouth followed by a chuckle – BAM! I slice the damn finger AGAIN!!!!!! I couldn’t believe it. I screamed out loud to the girls “THAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED!” as I’m running to the bathroom to rein act a few weeks prior’s comic routine. Luckily this cut wasn’t as gnarly, but I have two – yes two – slices on my thumb now right next to each other. Awesome.

So I’ve moved into a new pad, and I’m getting used to the new sounds. I keep hearing these rat-tat-tat noises on my roof. The girls and I both hear them, so I’m not hallucinating. WTF! It’s at all hours. I have found out there is a squirrel that likes to climb in the giant tree over my house and drop these pod things on my roof. Bastard.

There is apparently a college house a few houses down from me. It’s either a frat house or just a house with college boys, but there have already been a couple of large parties. The 1st one was during the day, and ended early it seemed. But the other one was HUGE. I came home late one Sat when apparently the cops had just broken it up. There were hundreds of kids walking down my street shouting and drinking. Luckily it was breaking up, so that didn’t last long, but when the hell did parties get so epic? Tying to this – a few days later I met our neighbor. She stopped by my house to introduce herself and I believe she is quite excited about gossip, or just really excited to tell me this: “So YOU know we had that awful party the other night right?!” I nod “Well, my son went out after it broke up to get something from his car and there was a couple HAVING SEX ON KAREN’S LAWN! Just right there in the open her ass straight up in the air! Can you believe it! Cars drive by, they don’t care!” I wasn’t sure if I was more in awe by the actual sex event or the fact that this is how she introduces herself to me.

And my last little tidbit is a bit corny and I am probably going to come off as a freak – but I’m really hoping it’s a sign. So you know I put my request for a man out there a few blogs back. Well I’m now seeing hearts everywhere! And no – it’s not because of V-day. I was in the shower one morning and two of the droplets on my shower curtain made a perfect heart. I point this out because it was such a perfect looking heart and I've never seen droplets look that way! Then I was washing my hands at a public sink and the reflection in the handle made a heart. It was the combo of shadow and the person behind me and light and it made a perfect heart. My girls were curled up on the couch together, which they rarely do anymore, and they were a perfect heart shape. Of course they moved when I tried to take a photo. Then this post popped up on my newsfeed right when I was thinking to myself how funny it is that I see hearts everywhere:

So maybe….just maybe it may be coming my way???? I don’t know, it may be false hope but I think it’s cute and it’s making me smile. Hope my ridiculous ramblings keep you entertained!