Art...

I need it my life. I always have had it there and I will always have it there. When I was a little girl I loved to perform in front of everyone. I loved to play dress up with my cousin. I loved to color. I loved to take my dolls and stuffed animals and reenact plays or shows or make up my own. I used to write stories. Pages and pages of stories. I have a zillion unfinished journals. I fell into theatre in college and I never stopped. I ran a theater for a couple of years, served on the board of another, acted mostly, sometimes stage managed, directed a couple, helped with costumes, lighting, building sets, sound design down to cleaning toilets at no financial gain to me. But just to do it. I’ve dabbled in photography. I still write in unfinished journals. And now I blog my thoughts out to the cyber universe. Funny thing? I still do all of these things I just listed. I haven’t stopped and I never will. Music to me is another form of art. I used to play drums and piano and someday want to learn the harmonica and ukulele. I’m a tireless music fan. Will always love watching concerts, listening to music, listening to people sing, watching people dance. I love it all. All forms of art. My love for it has grown as I’ve gotten older. I never thought of myself as a painter, but not I consider it. I picked up a sketch pad and some pencils. I also bought some new colored pencils to continue coloring as I always have. Although I realize this can be an expensive art! Eeeesh, we’ll start small. I read a book by Christopher Moore called Sacra Blue. It was an odd comedy as his books are, but it followed the lives of famous artists and I found myself researching their work again and realizing I never appreciated art as much as I should have. Now I find myself wanting to attend art shows and really see what people have done. See if I can see their thoughts and dreams and emotions on a canvas. Since my life as an actor has slowed down a bit I have more time for other aspects of art and I’m loving it. I will still act – no worries there my diehard fans – but just not back to back to back like I used to. I used to do it sometimes because I felt like I HAD to. If I didn’t I would fall off the face of the earth. But I don’t feel that way anymore. I feel that art is already running through my blood and my soul and it’s just there. It will always be there. Hell. I’m an artist. So – I wanted to touch on a few things I have seen as of late. I saw The Balcony at Stages, put on my fellow MWC folks. It was a play I was in in college, but was pulled after only 2 rehearsals. It’s a play I’ve read a few times and love and is a play I was planning on auditioning for this time around, but when Papas health took a bad turn, my stage time will have to be put on hold for a bit. Theatre isn’t something you can just pull out of at a moment’s notice. You commit to the whole thing, so I was not able to do that. But – I went to see it last week and I have to say, I was a little disappointed. I realized that this is one of those productions that just don’t translate as well to stage from the text. I thought the costumes were over the top spectacular as the show calls for. Beautiful and fun. I thought Cynthia and Rick were fantastic. They are two actors who always blow me away. I enjoyed Jack and Robert’s performances and I thought Sean, Austin and Adam were the perfect amount of over the top and comedic. But it felt the long 3 hours it was. It just felt to me that it was always taking a bit too long to get to the point. I didn’t feel that way when I read it, but as I said, just didn’t translate well. I defiantly wouldn’t say it was a bad show though. I did enjoy it for the most part! The next day I went and saw War Horse at OCPAC. Now, I wouldn’t normally see this because I knew it was going to be sad, but I was dying to see the theatrics of the show. I had heard about the puppets and these shows always are so cool! So – a co-worker/friend and I went. Tissue in hand. Thank GAWD because oh did we cry. In fact, I think I was actually sobbing at a few points. That aside the play was visually spectacular. There were 3 people to a horse. To underneath and one next to the head. I was sure I was going to be distracted at the fact you can see them standing right there but somehow they disappear when performing. The subtle movements of the horse, the noises, everything was amazing. I mean after a vigorous scene the horse would be standing there BREATHING! The heaved it up and down as if it was out of breath. There were images on the backdrop that were gorgeous. One moment after a very harsh war scene it looked like blood was oozing through the backdrop and they turned into beautiful red flowers. Spectacular. There was a hilarious goose that made appearances and the man who played the German deserter was brilliant. That was another thing I really liked – I do not watch war movies/plays usually due to how upset it makes me with my antiwar hippie mentality, and this was no exception to the tragedy of war – BUT they didn’t make either side look like the “good guys”. It was just sad. Period. And you felt for all of the soldiers. There was also this awesome moment where this big metal thing that symbolized a tank was moving around the stage operated by men, so ominous and cool! I loved it. I don’t know if I could watch it again but I am so glad I went and was able to see how brilliant the special effects were! Also earlier this month my dad treated us to Tower of Power playing at Coach House early January. You want to see music at perfection? Watch Tower of Power perform. These guys have been at it for 40 some years. The horns are the tightest you will ever here. I guarantee it. They are all having so much fun up there you can’t help but jump on the ride with them. Every single musician is fucking amazing at their craft. They also had an opening band that was a blast, but I of course lost the paper I wrote their name down on. So when I hear back from Coach House hopefully I will add it in here. They were a bunch of hipster looking kids that started out a little rough but once they got comfortable – nailed it. It was as usual an amazing night of music. So January has been full of some damn good art. I will hopefully be putting more of my own out there but plan to share more that I see. Keep on making art my friends!!! I mean the earth needs it! Without it it’s just EH! ;)

Dating...or lack there of...

Ok.Here’s a rare blog on dating, because I worry someone will read this and think I’m silly. Or weak. Or dumb. Or desperate. I have been watching a lot of SATC lately. Carrie put it out there in her column all the time! Why can’t I? People do enjoy my honesty right? Well here it is:I’m putting it out there again.They say when you really want something you put it out into the universe right? I think I wrote a letter on here a few years back asking for my ideal man, but I wasn’t ready then. I admit it. I haven’t been ready until now. My marriage ended in 2004. I was jaded. Hurt. Bent. I didn’t want to get into a relationship ever again. Trust was a huge issue. Well – Obviously right? Then I fooled around. I don’t even know if I can call it dating, more like having fun. But I suppose it was a form of dating. Then I tried online dating. Not much, I didn’t make it very far. It’s very weird and foreign to me and the types of people that emailed me were awful and weird. I went on one date only for practice. To try it out, see if I could do it. I wasn’t that interested in the fellow, but he was persistent and seemed nice enough. Let’s just say it didn’t go well. I felt like I was on an interview. It was awkward. I promptly cancelled my online profile after that. At the same time I was going to therapy, thinking that if I bettered myself as a person – maybe I could put a more positive vibe out there and be more attractive to people. I don’t know, I was grasping. I had also made the decision to not have sex unless I met someone serious. Maybe that was my problem? I was sleeping with the person too soon. Well, this made for the longest drought in Jami history. Then my head exploded. Well – we all know that story. Back on the mend, I went out with a friend of a friend. He was nice. Not much chemistry but I was willing to give it a bit more dates to see if it would go anywhere. He apparently wasn’t. He went out of state then totally blew me off. After a few weeks of wondering, I decided to ask. WTF. He was the type of person I expected an honest answer from and figured we had developed a good camaraderie of sorts. I flat out asked him – why did you blow me off? I also asked him if I did anything specific that may have turned him off. He answered very honestly, no chemistry, he apologized for blowing me off and I did nothing wrong. We are friends now. Then I went out with another fellow near the end of last year that did have a lot of baggage and holding onto some anger and I pretty much knew it wouldn’t go anywhere but I still started falling for him then - again – got totally blown off. This time I didnt bother following up. Stung a bit.
I’m a horrible dater. I have no game. I really don’t. I need help. So – here I am. Still single. I’m surrounded by people getting engaged, getting married, having babies, buying houses, starting lives together, etc. Even my go to boys have all settled into apparent actual real relationships. I’m not saying this is the reason I want to meet someone, but it certainly makes it difficult.SO I’m ready universe! I really am this time. My cookies are baked. 40 is looming. I’m in a totally new place in my life. I’m happy. I’m in my own pad. I’m happy with my job. I am totally enjoying life as much as I can. I am grateful for every second that I am alive and well. I’m not looking to get married or even live with someone, but I would love – absolutely love – to have a boyfriend. Someone who I can count on, who I can snuggle with, who I can act like a total dork with, who I can share my hopes and dreams and fears with, who is a constant in my life. I don’t know if I want to get married again. I don’t know if I want to have a child or two or none. But what I do know is I want to share my life with someone again. So here it is updated:
Dear Universe: I would love for you to please send me my man. The man who will love me and I will love so fiercely. A man who is single. A man who is straight. A man who loves animals and won’t mind my furry children. A man who can financially take care of himself. A man who politically swings to the left. A man who is active. A man who loves life. A man who will love an independent woman with the mouth of a sailor who rambles on about nothing most of the time who is a peace loving hippie who loves her friends and family and cats and who loves to laugh and write rambling blogs that some people actually read. I would love to meet this man and we fall madly in love with each other. I’m ready. Thanks so very much!Love and kisses, JamiPS – To my readers – if you know of this man, please send him my way!

Cold, the tumor, some art and activity...

In that order: SO - was ready to jump back into activity and smack. Cold/Flu. Had that for a week. Cold also meaning the place I live in now has no insalation and we have had the coldest cold snap I think SoCal has ever seen. Really?! It was 30 degrees a few mornings. Ice on my windshield. ICE!!!!! I feel like I'm camping when I sleep because I have about 10 blakents piled up on me and the little piece of flesh that may peer out freezes. In the mornings have this awesome dance of plugging the heater in the living room area as to not blow a breaker, shut the door part way so the heat can get in, turn on the fan to suck up the steam so the smoke alarm doesnt go off and dance around my scalding hot shower trying to warm up but any part of me not in the water gets cold. This has been my mornings as of late. I long for summer. But I love my new place! Yes it's cold and yes the power is a little iffy but it's mine and it's cute and I'm happy. :) The tumor. I had my follow up with tumor doctor. He showed it to dad and I on the MRI. So weird. It's sitting on the lower balance nerve in my brain/ear canal it looks like. There is a high chance I will lose my hearing in my right hear should it grow/move/hiccup. He tells me I have 2 choices. Take the fucker out now or MRI it in a year and see if it has grown. It hasnt grown since the found the thing in ICU in June so that's good. If I remove it now there is a 70% chance of hearing preservation which is apparently very good. Of course there is a risk of me losing my hearing with they take it out. As the doctor begins to tell dad and I what the 5 HOUR SURGERY entails as if he's describing a ball game (involving peeling back my scalp, removing bone, taking fat from my stomach to cushion it when they close it cuz my BRAIN IS EXPOSED) and my dad and I's chins on the floor I decide to wait. He assumes the tumor is fucking up my balance/dizzys but isnt positive. My hearing is awesome right now so - since it isnt ruining my lifestyle at the moment we wait. If the thing has grown even a tiny bit when we MRI it again next January it most likely is scalp peel back time. If I notice any change in balance/dizzy or my hearing this year I'm to immediatly have an MRI. SO, here's to hoping I dont lose my hearing and the little bastard doesnt grow. Some art! I took an art class tonite with an amazon coupon deal Ber and I got and although the man was a little odd, we had fun! Ber is already quite the artist but I have never drawn. I've sort of tried, got annoyed and quit. I've never been good at it nor had the patience to try. Well, since I'm not doing as much theatre as I usually do, I have found myself drawn to doing crafty stuff or at least exploring it a bit. Like the mini alter I blogged about. I was so surprised that I actually did pretty good. Well tonite the man said I was quite good and he was surprised I have never drawn before. Ber also told me I did a good job so this gives me a bit of hope that maybe I dont suck as much as I thought :) I'd like to dabble in this a bit more, so maybe next paycheck I'll pick up a sketch pad or something. I also want to try to make fun little things for co-workers and friends and am finding a lot of cute things on Pintrest so we'll see where that goes as well. I'm really enjoying this new found longing to do more of a variety of things! I want to blog more, but the computer I'm currently using isnt the best so I have stopped the Writers Book of Day blog as you probably have noticed but I was pretty much done anyway. I really did enjoy what it got me to do and when I have the time I plan on going through all of the blogs I wrote and highlighting some stand outs for sure! I'm pretty excited to do this! Here's my start at drawing. Not totally lame right?

Activity! I signed back up with Boxing Burn!!!!! It felt great! They were happy to see me back and I havent really lost my strength which is great. I find I dont hit as hard though since I dont have frustration I feel I need to get out. Since I'm a bit chiller now I'm not looking to beat the hell out of the bags anymore. I do notice a difference for sure. When the hit racks the body like they do it's tough, so that's also why I'm not going as nuts as I previously did. I did have a moment on Monday night after a really vigorous portion that the blood was rushing through my body and my face and my head like it does and I stood there. Scared. A woman who knows me asked if I was ok. "I'm scared" I said. She smiled and said "Hell I would be terrified!". The moment past as I talked myself down but it's going to be a little scary at 1st I know. I'm sore but the good sore. I went again last nite and am so so very happy to be at this again. I also cancelled my membership to Fitness 19. Walking into the place made me break out into a cold sweat and I did my best to keep it together as I signed the cancellation slip. It may be silly but I just dont want to go there anymore. It's fine too, because I dont really plan on getting back into the weight training I was doing since I cant really lift alot and I'd much rather do my cardio outside. Walking or riding my bike so no regrets there. I've also started up another bowling league that's on Tuesdays and is just two person teams. I adore my teamate so we'll have fun I think. The Thursday one was just a little too serious for me. So there it is, my little update. I'm learning to budget a bit now that I"m back out and still a bit buried in loans. I'm getting active again which is awesome. I'm getting more into artsy crafty stuff and looking forward to my new adventure in my little pad.

Hello 2013!

Recap time. It's weird. I always go back and read my last years recap blog and the whole time I was reading it kept thinking..."Little did I know 2012 was going to try to kill me." Man. It's still bizarre as all hell to think - June 2012 I should have died. Makes for an interesting life turn I'll tell you that. So here's my recap on a year none of us will ever forget. I was rolling into 2012 hoping my lifestyle change and road to positivity and being a better person all around, etc etc was going to continue to move forward. I realized I was not as far along as I actually I thought I was this time last year. I did improve quite a bit yes, but it's just different now. It's so hard to explain. But anywhoo - here we go. I brought in the New Year with a couple of friends at the Bistro. I wanted some of us single folk to get together and have each other. We had a wonderful evening as always and I was excited for the year to begin. January also brought my appointment with a Buddhist therapist. I saw her until May. She was teaching me some good techniques, working on changing my way of thinking, starting to teach me some meditations, etc. Then she started talking to me about medication. I was crushed. I had told her how against it I was and she knew this. We argued, she eventually withdrew but that was it. I dropped her. Jan/Feb/March was filled with many fitness classes, photo classes, shows, dinners, etc. I was still on quite the Groupon kick. End of March I was in the Post Mortem Political Burlesque show. I wasn’t too thrilled with the show, but it was fun and I was funny :). April was a great month. I saw April Foolishness which I blogged earlier about and I took an amazing road trip with my best friend to San Francisco for another dear friends wedding. Blogged about that as well, but that was truly a highlight of my year. This was my official favorite month of 2012. May brought the dreaded colonoscopy. I know, who blogs about this shit right? Pun intended. I mention this because I find it ironic that amidst all this fitness and the few races I did make it too earlier in the year I was getting Physical Therapy for a hip injury that was looking like surgery was in my future and was seeing a specialist and going through hell with gut issues. Then came June 6th. We all know what happened then. I still remember that moment in Fitness 19 standing up after doing my 3 sets of 12 bicep curls on the machine and having the most gnarliest headache of my life. I still have not been able to return to the gym. I know it's not why it happened, but I think I may have to cancel the membership. I just don’t think I can return. It always takes me awhile for things to sink in. When I was in ICU I refused to believe I could have died. When I was in recovery I was so impatient and annoyed that I was in so much fucking pain. And was I. I thought I knew pain but man was I mistaken. When I was starting to feel better and I started researching the statistics on how low the survival rate is for my SAH I still had a hard time processing it. When people ask me "Is your life changed?" I hesitated thinking "I guess?" Well, it's here now. I'm a changed person. I am officially clique. Yes ladies and gentleman - I almost died - this has made me look at life completly differently. I can sum up the rest of the year pretty much as surviving and recovering and accepting things the way they are. My medical bills were enormous. Thank GAWD for insurance. My dad helped me with some of them. I made it through. My mom took care of me. My friends wouldn’t let me push it. I'm here. I'm alive. And I'm different. Summer was a blur, obviously. I've been easing back into life. Walking, cycling, and taking it easy. Halloween wasn’t as "Halloweeny" as I'm used to. Jay did throw a lovely party though. Thanksgiving was bitter sweet as you see in my last blog and the holidays have been filled with my heart breaking as my Papa is withering away and me moving into the little caboose I now reside in. I did briefly date a boy for a little over a month here at the end of 2012, somewhat hoping it would turn into something special but alas no. I’ve also been through an array of awful and weird tests as the lovely specialist people try to figure out what to do with the tumor in my brain, or schwanoma as I have found it’s called, so I’m dealing with that and the nice fucked up motion sick turned weird since the SAH situation. They have said when you have an “event” in your brain it jacks you up. “Event”. Seriously. That’s what they call it. It’s weird to be careful now. Although it was fun directing my lovely strong friends who came out and moved me instead of me lifting anything. New Years Eve was spent unpacking, drinking wine, watching my Sex and the City DVD and trying to help my kitties adjust to the new pad. Quiet. Alone. But not sad. I fell asleep before midnight but woke up a few minutes before. I walked outside and heard the world celebrate. It was a very interesting moment. I heard so many cheers and horns and singing but in the distance, like I was in a bubble and the world was celebrating around me. It was nice. I was glad to see 2012 go. Very glad. I enter 2013 alive. Grateful. Starting over in a way. New place. Happy at my job. I'm hoping to sign back up with my boxing burn class next week. Bowling starts up again. I want my active life back. I fought to survive and now it's time to live. No resolutions this year. No expectations. Just hopes and dreams. May this year bring you all the happiness you can stand. The love that engulfs you. The adventures that inspire you. Live life. I am. (Oh, and PS, I was going to add a few photos but I need a new laptop. Sort of havent been able to purchase that yet....)