4 Mondays of Mindfullness...

So an email went out to all of us at Chapman saying they were going to offer a 4 week mindfulness course from 12-1 on Mondays. It would be run by Dr. Gail Stearns our Dean of the Chapel. With everything that has been going on with me I figured this would be a great thing to check out. Hell it's free right? Plus I've been on the fence whether I should return to therapy or talk to someone else about the overwhelming feeling of survival I'm dealing with or something. I have learned a bit about meditation and mettas and the Buddhist way of life and I've liked all of it, so I figured this may be cool! Our 1st class was a Monday that it must have been, ohhhh, around 1000 degrees outside. My offices are down the street a few blogs so I have a quite a walk to get to campus to the Interfaith Chapel that these classes are going to be held at. When I walked into the chapel I had expected a nice blast of cool air. Apparently it wasn’t working. It was so hot and stuffy. Ugh. The place was filling up with students and staff alike, and I took a spot on the left side on the end. The chairs were hard and uncomfortable. Gail was sitting up at the front of the chapel with ear buds in. It was very peaceful except for the sounds of construction in the background. They are putting in a new Center for the Arts behind the chapel. As we sat there waiting for noon, I felt the sweat pouring down my body. Awesome. How the hell am I supposed to be mindful when I'm broiling and sitting in really hard chairs? Then walks in Brian, the adorable women's lacrosse coach I have a huge crush on. The man is married with a child so nothing will go anywhere, but every time he comes into my office to bring me a check, he has the nicest smile and turns me into a giggling nerd. Great. Gail begins, explaining what mindfulness is. She says it's an up and coming way to help people relax, focus better, improve their well-being, etc. She said this will be the next yoga. We'll start seeing studios pop around all over the place to "practice mindfulness". Honestly I believe her. The way things are going, and the more stressed out our society gets I hope this is true and could see it really helping. So we begin by breathing. What I like is we don’t have to close our eyes. We can, but we can also just rest our eyes. I never like closing my eyes because of my weird dizzy thing. It's quiet. She speaks in a nice voice telling us to breathe and notice our breath and be aware of where we are. I'm aware of the sweat dripping down my legs and hope I'm not making a puddle on the floor. I sneak a peek at Brian. He looks so cute all meditative. Focus. I try again. I notice the woman next to me has an interesting shaped top. Focus. This is how the entire class went for me. So Mindfulness Class Week one. Fail. Week two. I come in determined to focus and be mindful this time dammit. Brian doesn’t show up. Thank GAWD. I'm immediately annoyed because a noisy couple of students sit behind me. I'm trying to calm down and be quiet so I can focus and they keep chattering about some reality TV show. Gail finally starts. They shush. She mentions how being in the present is really great for actors and musicians, especially when you have to improvise. Maybe this is why I suck at improv!!!! Today we are going to eat mindfully. Ok? We have a little box of raisins. She gets us all quiet and focused and breathing. She then tells us to hold the raisin and notice its texture. I never realized how gross a raisin felt. Then we roll it around on our lips. This is grosser to me. Then put it in our mouth. Don’t chew. Just be aware of the texture. I'm thinking how weird a raisin is and picturing those really gross tan people who have leather skin and think this is probably what their skin feels like. Focus. Gail then talked about how the raisin started. How the farmers plant the seed, it grows, it becomes a grape, it's picked, it's taken in a truck to a factory, and it’s put in boxes. On and on about the life of how this little raisin came to be. We then bite. Holy Hell! The flavor is intense! My cheeks sting and tang. Who knew a raisin could be so flavorful! I found that pretty interesting. We had a little question and answer afterward and this is where I find it quite challenging to bite my tongue. The things people say. SERIOUSLY? The weird guy with weird hair who made some weird comments last week about how he felt like he was floating said he felt like he was having a relationship with the raisin. Really dude? A relationship with a fucking raisin? Another boy mentioned he felt gratitude, especially with her talking of the entire process of the raisin getting here. I liked that. Another girl said she felt more full with that one raisin than when she scarfs down food so fast. It may be a help with binge eating. Interesting. We then were to be mindful with sound. Close our eyes (or rest them) and listen. Of course what we hear is the construction outside. Focus. I like the sound. I listen to music a lot to chill out and I think this is similar. I'm trying to focus. Some jackass comes in late with a bright orange shirt and sits right in front of me. I find it funny how all of a sudden I hear no sound because I'm cursing this orange man. Focus. I close my eyes, sort of. I hear the construction again. I want another raisin. Focus. Listen. I liked this 2nd class a lot. Our assignment was to pick a meal and eat it mindfully. It's amazing how hard it is to find time in your day to meditate for 5 minutes or eat a meal mindfully I found out. But I did do it once day when I brought my lunch and ate alone on our patio at work. It really was so much more enjoyable! Week three. Brian is there. Dammit. He's so adorable. I notice the air is finally working. Thank GAWD again. We start with our sitting in silence. The church bells chime in the distance. I don’t think I ever noticed them before. So pretty! I do love the sound of church bells. Today we are going to mindfully move or something. She chats about walking outside and noticing what is around you. I'm proud to report I already do this. I'm a very mindful walker :) I walk to the cashier every day for work and its a couple blocks down. I usually go alone and it's nice to just listen to the birds, the cars, the kids, anything. It's peaceful and a favorite point of my day. She then tells us to take off our shoes and walk around, quietly. Um hell no! It's hot as Hades outside and my feet will stink if I take off my sweaty sandals. That's right; we all know what I'm talking about. So I leave my shoes on. Of course they make a weird noise that you ONLY NOTICE because it's so damn quiet, so instead of mindfully walking I was busy trying to walk quietly. I tried to choose an area to walk in that was away from everyone, but who of course comes walk right by me - BRIAN! Sigh. After what seems like eternity we sit back down and meditate for a really long time. I actually find myself almost dozing off and some chicks cellphone makes a weird noise. I seriously almost had a heart attack. Well so much for relaxing now. During the questions the weird guy of course is rambling about something lame. Some people talked of feeling lifted when they walked. Brian said he almost giggled at first because we all looked like zombies. I love him. Most people really seemed to dig it. I may have liked it better if I wasn’t so worried about my noisy ass shoes and smelly feet. Gail said the silence that day seemed fuller. Interesting. I could actually agree with that. When we sat back down we did "Metas". I remembered this from therapy. "I am what I am" "I want to be calm" etc. All about acceptance. Being hearing that a lot lately. Week four. The weird boy cut his hair. Gail said you should never feel like you should or shouldn’t have a feeling, just feel it. I liked that. I liked that a lot. We started our sitting quietly and she said peaceful things. I was having a hard time concentrate because the chick behind me kept grunting in response. Seriously. To everything. Then she had us walk again. Dammit! I have the same shoes and it's still hot. So here I was again, trying to walk quietly. I chose my hallway again and noticed an open door. So I wandered in - a meditation room! It was pretty cool! I was exploring it when I heard people coming my way so scooted out and pretend I was walking mindfully. We sat back down and weird boy asked some stupid question. This guy is seriously off somehow. Then we did some affirmation like things. And she wished us well and mindful. There will be drop ins on Mondays for about 45 minutes of her or someone leading mindful mediation like things. I may actually go because being in a room where you are sort of forced to focus helps a lot. I emailed Gail after our last class and told her I enjoyed them and told her what happened to me in a brief paragraph and which of the mindful exercises she thinks may work best for me in my situation. She was fascinated and wants to ask her fellow UCI peers and wants to meet with me. I'm actually a little nervous but excited. I think I will like talking to her, because I'm hoping she can maybe really guide me on how to quiet my mind. I work better one on one anyway. It's also super cool of her to do this because she's a big wig at Chapman and I appreciate her taking the time. So did I learn anything? I did! I learned trying to be mindful is actually quite a challenge. I'm excited to work on it though and I'm excited to talk to Gail, so we'll see what happens. I'd also like to recommend a link that a friend of mine had me watch when I was in recovery and Gail actually mentioned in one of her seminars. This woman is a brain doctor and actually had a very severe stroke. She has recovered, but her take on it is really very very interesting and makes you believe peace of mind does exist. I remember watching it in recovery and found it fascinating. So take a gander: http://www.ted.com/talks/jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html Who knew raisins could be so yummy!!

Got there a little early one day, trippy little chapel eh?