Rough times...

I have to say, 2012 has been a lot rougher than I was hoping. We are almost in June now, the halfway point and this year, my year, the year of the dragon has been a bit brutal. I was told today that my Papa is going to be put on hospice care. We knew it was coming. But the doctor actually saying it was like a punch to the gut. My mom is a wreck. I'm so sad. I have watched him deteriorate as this year has moved forward. 1st his body and now his mind. He's withered. He's not happy. He's emotional. He has ups and downs. It's weird. And awful. And yes its life. And yes he's 97 and has lived a full life. But still, he's my Papa. He's my superman. I've been told watching him go downhill like this may make it easier on me when his time comes. Bullshit. It's worse. He's aware of everything and he hates it. I hate it. We are alike in many ways. We don’t like weakness, we don’t like to be helpless, and we don’t like to rely on other people for help. It's so hard. It's just so fucking hard. Moving on. I cant write about that anymore. To me. I had to have a colonoscopy on Thur/Fri. They wanted to do an upper and lower. All day Thur I was on a liquid diet then drank the stuff at 6 and again at 2:30 am Fri morning. I couldn’t keep all of it down the 2nd time. This may be TMI but I swear that this process is just fucking mean. What you have to go through before this procedure is just wrong. I would not wish it on my worst enemy. The procedure went fine; I meet with him next week for results. Today I was referred to get an MRI on my hip injury. They think I have a laberal tear. I've been going to physical therapy for a few weeks and it hasn’t helped so this is the next step. I may be going under again. My wrist is crunchy and my knee is grinding. Almost like they are teasing me gently saying "After you have hip surgery we're next!” I keep running John Wooden's quote over and over and over again in my head. "Don’t let what you can’t do stop you from doing what you can do” I haven’t. I'm still doing everything; I just alter the parts that hurt. I'm told to slow down. To do lower impact stuff. I cant. I would crumble. The only thing I think that is keeping me going right now and not screaming at the universe while pulling out my hair is activity. My boxing boot camp teacher can tell when I have a bad day. I'm still going to therapy - yes the head kind. My buddadist therapist is trying to help me be a better person. It's sort of helping I think. She's given me some nice ideas to work with. It seems I've always been going in the right direction, just needed a little guidance and pushing which is what she's doing. I'm doing things I poo poo'd before. That's right kids...I may even be learning to meditate soon. I know. I surprise myself. My life is changing. I know change is good, but the process is extremely painful right now. Literally. I'm finding I don’t have as many friends as I thought that I can count on. But at the same time those friends I can count on mean even more to me than usual and I didn’t think that was possible. It is hard though because I feel lonely a lot of the time. I'm also in the financial pit again. My mom has lost her unemployment and needs more support from me and with the cost of all this medical crap I'm dealing with (Insurance doesn’t cover everything) my goal to move out at the end of summer has been moved to the end of the year. I'm hoping end of year is actually a possibility but unless things change it's not looking good. This is the halfway point of 2012. There have been some great things though - Doheny Blues was amazing. My trip to San Francisco was fantastic. Even though I seem to be breaking apart I'm actually a lot stronger. I'm finding out new things about myself that I like and don’t like but I know that is part of this all. I didn’t mean to be too much of a downer in this blog, but I'm not going to lie. It's been rough. I'm not giving up though. I'm still moving in the direction I think I need to be moving right now. But I am starting to think I may have put a little too much stake in the year of 2012.