It's June 15th?!...

Man.
If you’re not careful, time will whiz right by you and before you know it your dead. I mean seriously. I'm still old skool and was putting pictures in photo albums. (Yes, I still print out actual pictures and put them in a book) and of course always find myself flipping through them and some of the things were 2 years ago! WHAT?! Where the hell did the time go!? Anyway...I had the night off. Shocking. And before I get to bed early (Have to get up for an earlier than normal work day) (Oh and pps...yes I try to sleep now) I figured I'd throw out a blog.
So I quit my trainer. Yes, he's my best friend’s brother and was cutting me a deal but he's actually kind of a shitty trainer. He always switched up our time (which is getting impossible for me with my tight schedule), I'm still smooshy around my mid-section, and he refuses to do what I ask. Um "I DONT WANT TO GET BIGGER!!!!". See...I have an athletic body. I will never be skinny, and I refuse to get fat. But I'm curvy and I have muscle and I'm solid. When you do heavy weights my muscles get bigger. I don’t want to get bigger, I want to get toned and leaner. What has happened? My f-ing legs barely fit in my pants because they got bigger. And my mid-section is still weirdly smooshy. Ugh. It’s ok though. This will be an ultimate test of discipline for this girl. I HAVE to work out on my own now. I have to. The good thing is I'm pretty confident I will. The whole training thing was a good step off, because I do feel better when I work out and I felt it. Plus mom showed me this sweet thing on her cable of a kabazillon work out things "On Demand". I'm a TV retard because I never watch it, but apparently there's this channel you can go to and you have all these options! So - that’s what I'm doing now. I'll keep you posted on how good I am at it. I do also have those other 8 million activities I've signed up for and kickball has started up again so I'm by no means going to be a couth potato...oh and did I mention its summer!!! Bike riding!!!
Not smoking is still a success, although I would like to know when I don’t have cravings anymore. I still want one so bad all the fucking time!!!!!! Ugh. Plus there are a lot of smokers in the Twilight Zone show I’m doing. I usually just stand out there with them and sniff. Sigh.
A big terrifying challenge coming up for me is the Post Mortem Grotesque Burlesque show I'm doing Saturday night June 25th at 11pm. I know it’s late, but the more people I have out there supporting me will make me so happy!!! So there's this comic bit that I'm totally confident with. I'm funny right? The 2 guys I do it with are hilarious, our timing seems on, the bit is funny I'm totally stoked. BUT there is a dance # I have to do! A long one! That I'm in front! And it’s about my character so I’m the total focus!!! OH. MY. GOD. Ok...I'm a perfectly fine dancer all my myself with no choreographed moves, but the minute you tell me what to do - it’s very very sad. I'm uncoordinated and clumsy and not at all graceful. I've always envied dancers because they are so pretty and graceful and move flawlessly. I do not. I look like a bull in a crystal factory. I have to do this chair dance. I brought home the chair. I'm having one of the dancers come over and help me. I forced the director to have another rehearsal with me just to work on the dance. I'm so f-ing scared but at the same time I know this is good. This is a challenge for me. This is something I am going to conquer. But OH. MY. GOD. It may not seem like a big deal some, but it’s a huge deal for me. So please. Send me good vibes or better yet - come cheer me on! Eeeeeesh.
So that’s kind of an update I suppose. I'm battling life at the moment with loneliness (I'm seriously really terrified I will never meet someone), there has been a lot of tragedy around me, I'm trying to make some more life changes and honestly really trying to figure out this whole happiness thing. Whew. It’s a lot. I feel overwhelmed but I'm sort of not sure where else to go ya know? Is that weird?
I don’t know.
Have a good week my readers. I hope to continue blogging more!!!