Our bodies...

Yup.
I'm gettin older.
I'm 33.
Life isnt quite where I planned it on being at this stage in my life, but I continue to roll with the punches.
I'm trying to motivate myself, hell force myself to start taking better care of myself physically and emotionally. Obviously I'm failing miserably at the moment - but I'll get there.
A dear friend of mine had a massive stroke. He is 37. He's recovering wonderfully but still - slap in the face. I read the news all the time about people's lives snuffed out at such a young age. Gone. Death scares me. I'll admit it. I'm afraid to die. I dont lie awake stressing about it, but I certainly would like to avoid it if possible. At least for now. You think that would be a good kick in the ass to take better care of myself. Alas no. The funny thing is - I'm not all that unhealthy. I eat decently, I dont drink myself into an oblivion every night. Yes I smoke. I smoke heavily. I was at an oral surgeon today filling out paperwork (I'll get to that in a minute) and I had to write down that I smoke. For how long it asks. I thought about it and guesstimated 15 years. Jesus. Yet I plan on having one after I write this. To sit outside and ponder life like I often do. Yes, smoking is one of those things I need to stop.
I seem to be finding myself a little less invincible these days. I worry more. I dont want to die. I'm seeing a new dentist now. Apparently my prior dentist my mom worked for most of her life sucked, and now I'm seeing a good one that she works for now. I have cavities on both sides of my mouth. I got the right side done already - actually survived my very 1st shot in the mouth and massive drilling. I dont recommend it. I need to make an appt. for my 2nd side. Still have yet to do so. He referred me to an oral surgeon because I have a little flap of gum on my back wisdom tooth (Yes I still have them). Could be a pollup. Mouth cancer. I honestly wasnt worried, nor was my mom and the oral surgeon confirmed that. Its just a tissue tag, no big. But it makes me think. What if it was. I also have a doctor's appt this friday because I've been having stomach issues for over 2 weeks now. My grandmother died of colan cancer. I cant help but worry a little. I'm sure its stress related and I probably have IBS. But still. I worry. I also need to make that damn appt. with the dentist for the other side of my mouth. I also need to make a dermatologist appt for some angry freckles. This getting old stuff blows.
I had planned on this week starting into really trying to take better care of myself, especially by excersising. I cant because of said angry gut. (And the fact that Gogol Bordello 3 hour bouncing makes for very pissed of calves)
I dont know why I wrote this blog really, I just think our bodies are odd. I hear of these super health freaks dropping of a heartattack at 30. I hear of smokers dying at 98 years old. One of the oldest men in the world is quoted when asked what his secret is to saying "Whiskey, smoking and women". I mean who or what is to say makes it all better? If I quit smoking, become a vegetarian and stop drinking - I could still drop dead. Yet, I know filling your lungs up with smoke cant nessasarily be a good thing. I dont know. I think I'm just more annoyed that being "healthy" seems to be a pain in the ass. But I will make the attempt. I will. These extra pounds I've put on are not flattering, and I really want to "feel better". I'll just have to wait until the doctor tells me I'm ok I suppose.
Stupid gut.