She breaks again...

My heart breaks for Iran. My heart breaks for the friends and family of Neda, whose horrific death was caught and spread across the world via the internet. I watched. I shouldn’t have watched, or I should have. I’ve been reading and following and crying. I saw that and felt sick to my stomach. It turned over and knotted as tears rolled down my face as I watched this girl die. My heart breaks for all the people who are in the midst of everything, dealing with death and violence and poverty every day. I tried to escape last night through my weekly kickballin followed by drinking probably more then I should have afterwards. I was trying to dull the pain. My brother and I began talking, discussing, my eyes started to well up again. At the bar, in front of everyone. “I wish I could fix the world”, I said my lip quivering, trying to fight back the tears. He moved from the talk of Iran, to the talk of war. I know he was trying to shift my focus, but forgetting my feelings on war as he watched the tears start to roll he shifted the conversation to include some of those around us, taking the focus off me. I don’t believe anyone saw except him. He playfully batted my cheek as I composed myself and turned around with a grin, pretending nothing was wrong and performed one of my best acting moments yet. Smiled, laughed, smoked talked about anything but. Sadly tho the truth is I have these moments. These times in my life when the world seems to be crashing around in turmoil. I wish I could fix it. I wish I could stop the hatred. The violence. The arrogance, ignorance, the anger. It tears at my soul. I feel so helpless and useless. I struggle with my own issues, yet they seem so f-ing pathetic in comparison to what’s going on in the world around me. It consumes me. As I parted ways last night he said “Don’t think too much on it kid, you know you”. I do. A Dr. told me that once. “Jami, you can’t take the world on your shoulders, you need to concentrate on you”. I’m trying. I’m doing better, but a piece of me is screaming out for the violence to stop. R.I.P. Neda. My heart goes out to those in peril across the world…

Patience and humor...

Patience.
One of my least favorite words. I am not a patient person. At all.
I have learned to control my hair trigger temper I used to posses. I’m actually quite mellow these days aside from the fact that my life is a circus. But I’m not patient. I get antsy. One of my biggest pet peeves is when someone doesn’t get back to me. Via email/phone/whatever. I can seriously get annoyed if I email you a question, and you don’t write back immediately. I am realistic of course, but I can’t help that little impatient demon that lives in my soul jumping up into my brain and dancing around. Again – I control these things much better then when I was younger. Work tests my patience hourly. NO ONE gets back to you around here. Whatever. I do have a point. Which is this. I’m seriously having my patience tested. So f-ing much right now it’s ridiculous. I’m living at home now, yes I have a job but it pays crap – not allowing me to survive living on my own right now. I’m single. There are some fellas that seem to peak interest every now and again – but I tell ya – If I don’t see some sort of action on their part within oh…a minute, I assume its nothing. BUT, if I was patient – I could accept the fact that I’m home finally paying off the ex-bastards debt. I will be debt free before I move out again. By the time I pay of said debt I’m hoping the economy will have turned around somewhat and I can get a better paying job, or move up financially here. Then move back out. Debt free. That will be AMAZING. I’m also meeting new people, joining different circles of friends, which means I’ll meet more boys – maybe actually “date” more. But again – this all requires PATIENCE. Fuck me. So I’m being tested. I’m also being teased. Who says the universe doesn’t have a sense of humor – I’m driving home from somewhere that should have been a fun satisfying time, but wasn’t and now I’m annoyed. When I get annoyed I tend to bitch at myself in my car whilst driving. Yup – I’m the crazy lady talking to herself in the car. (Altho now-adays people think I’m on a Bluetooth – but now you all know I’m actually just insane). So I’m driving along bitching out load to myself, “My life sucks!”. “I’m 33 and living at home”. “I have no real relationship with a man!” “I have no money!” “I hate my job!”….these sorts of bitchings, but of course more humorous because apparently my little tirades can be entertaining. Anywho, I then sigh…It’ll all work out RIGHT!!??? I stop at a light and look to my right and there on a bustop is a giant sign with the title PATIENCE. It’s yellow, with blue writing. I don’t even know what it was advertising or what else was on it, but I saw that and burst out laughing. “Ah ha you son of bitch! Very funny!” I then shout at the universe, pointing my finger at the sign. (Of course the woman at the bustop thought I was pointing at her and I think I miffed her, but that was just one of those moments.)
So yes. I’m trying so very hard to be patient and to be positive. I’m doing it. But I’m not going to say I’m liking it. I’m taking it with a grain of salt, and most of the time things get so ridiculous it gets funny…but ah such is the life of Jami right? I hope you can find joy and laughter in my circus.