Rollercoaster Ride of Emotions...

It's hard. I'm not going to lie. I'm having some very extreme emotions lately which I suppose may be normal when something as gnarly as what happened to me happened. As I said before, I am defiantly more grateful and more appreciative of life. I was already on that path pre-SAH and now post-SAH it seems even more so. Some people think it's because of the SAH that I'm mellower, a little more peaceful, a little less angry, and much more positive. But don’t give the SAH that much credit. Yes it helped but I was working on all of this before. Those following me along on my journey know this and have watched my progression over the last year or so. But now I seem to be even more analytical than I was before. I keep going over and over in my head - Am I positive enough? Am I grateful enough? Am I really a good person? Why did I survive? And there it is. Why did I survive? I'm told I survived because I have a greater purpose on this earth. I'm told I survived because I'm lucky. I'm told I survived because I'm strong. I'm told I survived because it just wasn’t my time yet. But I cry. I cry a lot now. We lost a very well loved well respected professor at Chapman last week. Dr. Marv Meyer. I didn’t know the man. I only knew his name. He apparently had been fighting cancer, thought he beat it but it came back and he lost. Our president of the university spoke about him during the Convocation on Wednesday. He read from an email Dr. Meyer had sent a couple of weeks before. He was telling him that he didn’t think he was going to be able to make the Convocation and he was so disappointed. He jokingly wrote he was probably going to sporting a new jazzy bald head. The passages that the president read were light and he was talking as if he was going to survive and he sounded like I would. But he didn’t make it. I got quite emotional. I got quite emotional again later that day in front of my boss when a handful of us were discussing the not so pleasant speech one of our Deans gave later on that morning. I tried to hide the tears and play them off as allergies, but my boss noticed. Later that day she came into my office to see if I was ok. I promptly broke down. I told her what I just wrote here and that maybe I have some sort of Survivors Guilt? A friend of mine had mentioned this to me a few weeks ago over dinner, saying she had some friends who had survived medical catastrophes and they all had this guilt they seemed to be dealing with. I told her no, I just feel grateful and lucky and overwhelmed at the idea I survived despite the fact that statistics were against me. But now I don’t know. I joke that I have become such a sap and that I cry at the drop of a hat. Good or bad. Hell, show me a video of an adorable little kitten and my eyes well up because it's so fucking cute! Tears welled up in my eyes during the Convocation when the new freshmen were placing stoles on each other. This is a new tradition that Chapman started that all freshman get a stole and mentors, professors, etc. who inspire them throughout their 4 years at Chapman can sign it. Watching the faces of these kids put the stoles on each other made my heart swell. They were all smiling and so excited. I had a pang of jealousy that I never had that college experience. One of the few regrets I do have. I had a few dates with someone recently that I thought went quite well but apparently not as he blew me off and I was much sadder than I thought I would be. Then I had a situation the other night where my battery died in my car, AAA came out and replaced it for $100. Mom was surprised that the phone call she got wasn’t me stressing out or angry but calm and just slightly bummed I wouldn’t be home to get to bed as early as I had hoped. People have noticed a change in me but I feel like I'm riding an emotional roller coaster. My boss does think I should speak to someone professional about this and I may, but my luck with therapists hasn’t been the best. I'm also still a bit scared. I tried going back to yoga this week and my 1st night I felt a little wonky after the final resting pose. But I chalked it up to 1st night back. Well last night I took a class that was 45 minutes in this position because it was a meditation class and I ended up coming home extremely sick. I went straight to bed and woke up today ok, but about 11am had to leave work because I felt so nauseous. I feel a little better now but cried all afternoon because I don’t know why this is happening. Is it my motion sickness just so much worse? Is it some sort of after effect from the SAH? Is it a combination of the two? Is it my emotional rollercoaster I've been riding? I’ve had this happen a few times in the last month or so. I don’t know. I have made another Dr. appointment with my primary to try to find out what’s up. There is so much I want to do. I want to find love. I want to travel - even if it's just here in the US. I want to accomplish something. I want to have an effect on this world. I really do. I really do hope that I was spared because there is something totally awesome I may do or maybe I change someone’s life. I don’t know. I really would like to feel 100% though and get off this damn roller coaster. I will say this though - I'm liking the new mellow me. It's been a long work in progress but I do think (If I stop getting sick) I'm going in the right direction for sure. Finally. I don’t want to stress out too much about anything. And honestly – I don’t think I will. PS – who are you folks reading these and my other project blog? I’m surprised at the “post views”. I thought the only one reading was R ;) But thank you all, I am pleasantly surprised at how many of you actually like to read my rambling typed out!

An epic night with the blues...

I love the blues. I can say this is my favorite genre of music. EVERY style of music out there is influenced by the blues. I never thought I really had a favorite type of music because I just honestly love music so much, but if I had to pick a favorite - it's the blues. Last night was a brilliant reminder why. Buddy Guy and Johnny Lang. Two AMAZING artists. I had seen that they were playing together at the Grove in Anaheim the day before the brain incident. Maybe that's what caused it - I got so excited it blew my mind. Literally. I had emailed my dad saying "We have to go" and we had planned on it but the universe decided to scare the shit out of me and my family instead. About week 2 into my recovery I had remembered this concert. I still wasn’t able to do this myself, so I hovered over my mother as I walked her through purchasing tickets for me, my dad and my brother for dad's father’s day surprise. My head pounding, my back screaming, my mom hollering at me to go back to bed but I wanted to make sure we got tickets. Sure enough all the dinner w/show was sold out and a lot of the sections already gone. Luckily I got us a threesome and crawled back to bed. Well last night was the big night. I knew I would be recovered by now (cut it close though!) and the three of us headed out bursting with excitement. We had a fantastic dinner at Prime Cut Cafe, had drinks and laughs and the boys ogled our adorable waitress and off we went. Our table was a bit off to the side but still good seats. I do love the Grove - I don’t think there really is a bad seat in that place. We had fun table mates and after a long battle of laughs and attempts we finally got a sort of successful self-portrait which you see below and the lights dimmed. Out comes Johnny Lang. This kid was a teen when BB King introduced him onto the blues scene. He's still a kid but looks a bit more grown up since we saw him last. Shane was floored since he hadn’t seen him since Doheny Blues a few years ago. This was the third time Dad and I have seen him. And he did not disappoint. He is the most expressionable guitarist ever. He seriously looks like he is in horrible pain or having an orgasm the entire time he plays. He feels every single note that comes out of that guitar. One of the many things I love about this kid is you feel what he is feeling right along with him. The emotion and the soul pour out of him and into you as an audience. He can silence the crowd. There will be a moment when he is just singing along with his guitar - singing his licks! The crowd is silent taking in every note with him. He brought me to tears during one of my favorite numbers. He also has a fantastic band behind him. They play together perfectly and follow his lead. Johnny Lang's set was one of the most emotional for me I've had in a while. My breath was taken away, my soul filled with his voice and guitar. Perfection. It was seriously perfection. Standing O of course and I was actually slightly exhausted from watching him. Lights came up and we chatted as we waited for Buddy to set up. Lights dim again and here comes the legend. Mr. Buddy Guy. I absolutely love watching this man perform. He's happy, he's having a blast, he's a dirty old man, he's funny, and he’s everything a blues artist should be. He's 76 years young as he tells you in one of his songs and he tears up that guitar that no one’s business. He stops in the middle of songs sometimes to "tell you sumthin". Then a story rolls off his giggling tongue. Turns music. Turns blues. The band follows right along. At one point he walks off stage but you still hear him playing and a few minutes later he appears in the crowd. He does this a lot in his shows and the crowd goes wild trying to catch a glimpse of him and snap pictures as he walks through playing and singing. He does shoot past us pretty close so I catch a quick snap of him. Buddy Guy also has a phenomenal band. His keyboardist is one of my favorite performers playing those keys like a lover. Later in his set he introduces this kid. 13 years old that he heard play once and thought he was listening to himself. Out walks this shaggy haired boy who reminds me of my godson who promptly TEARS IT UP!!!!! This kid is a young Eric Clapton and is going to be a star. Travis or Taylor Quinn was his name I think. Damn. Johnny Lang was brought back out and the three of them had a guitar off. I was dying. I cannot express to you how much I love to hear people tear up that guitar!!!! He finished up one of the best blues sets I've seen and I again felt drained. So happy and exhausted! Blues music bores into your body bringing you along for the ride as you follow the artists through their performances. It's as if you are up there playing right alongside of them. You feel it. You love it. You become it. Every single time I am on my way to one of these shows I think "There's no way they can top the last time I saw them" and then they do. Every single time. I'm blown away. Every single time. Last night was no different. An epic night of blues with two of my favorite men. I'm still smiling this morning and hearing their songs in my head. If you have never seen the blues - get off your ass now and get out there and experience this before you die. You won’t regret it, I promise you that. Thank you Johnny Lang and Buddy Guy and all of your band mates for giving me yet another fantastic amazing night of music.

Life after SAH...

That's what it is. Subarachnoid hemorrhage. Or the short version - SAH. This is what I tell people now. This is what I have to tell all doctors now. This is why I can never audition for WipeOut now. This is what will always be a new little fear that now lives in the once fearless mind of Jami McCoy. This SAH is what should have killed me. The more research I have done, the more reading I have done, the more doctors I have talked too, the more people I have talked too I realize - I'm a miracle. That's what a woman called me yesterday. This jeweler we visit at the OC Fair every year that my dad has developed a friendship with. Her eyes widened when he told her what happened to me. I smiled sheepishly saying "Ya, I'm lucky as hell". "You’re a miracle" she said. "You do realize you were put on this earth for some higher purpose?! That's why your still here!" I don’t know about that, but I certainly consider myself a very lucky and very grateful girl. I wasn’t ready to go. But wrestling with that thought. Knowing the statistics and how very very low the survival rate is and how even lower the percentage is of those who have no after affects. Here I sit - a little over 2 months later - Pretty much perfect. Back has stopped hurting. The entry point of the angiogram still a tad tender now and then but pretty much gone. No headaches. Just a little tired. And now having to learn what "ease back into" active life means. I met with my neurologist on Monday. (That's weird in of itself - I have a neurologist now). He told me again how lucky I was. That the risk is slightly higher of another bleed than it was before this one but still way way low. I'm to see him around my birthday next year for my for now yearly MRI to watch the tumor they found. I can go back to exercising as vigorously as I was before. Just no trauma (no problem) and don’t lift anything super heavy....like a refrigerator. Have a good day. That's it. I survived something very serious. I survived something most people don’t survive from. And I recovered amazingly well. I do attribute my good health and good shape to the quick (which of course didn’t seem quick to me) recovery. I am truly looking forward to starting up my active life again. There's a new yoga studio in the Orange Circle I'm going to check out to start back in. Yup. Starting out slow. I didn’t think much was different but I'm starting to realize it is. I think it will grow more with time also. This different look on life. I already never took things for granted. I already enjoyed life. I already was on the positive train, trying to change my way of thinking for the better. I was already on that path. So soon after this incident I thought - well I already thought all of those things. It's not like I needed a lesson there. But what I've noticed lately is all of that is even more so. I move a little slower. I enjoy simple things more. I enjoy life even more. But - my tolerance for some things has gotten less. My tolerance for people who chose to be miserable just to be miserable has gone way down. My tolerance for childhood gossip and drama has gone way down and I didn’t think that could go down any more than it already was! My tolerance for someone getting worked up over something so unnecessary has gone way down. Now don’t get me wrong - everyone has a right to bitch and complain about something, or vent about something and it doesn’t matter how trivial or how small it is - it's upsetting that person at that moment and they need to get it off their chest. But if you dwell on it - get over it. When I hear the same complaint over and over again - do something about it! It's strange to me to slow down. To enjoy a life more that I was already enjoying. To strive to be positive. Me. Positive. I mean - my snarky sarcasm isn’t going anywhere and no matter how hard I try I can’t seem to stop talking like a sailor but I feel a little less strung out. There are still a lot of the same problems going on: I worry about my Papa. I worry about money. I worry about our world. But I seem to handle it a bit differently. I'm really really overwhelmed with the idea that I survived. Why did I survive? Why did I scare the shit out of my parents and a lot of my dear friends that knew what it meant when they were told "brain bleed". The worried faces, the prayers, the fear that I was going to die or live but not be the same or have to be cared for the rest of my life. But nope - I'm fine. I'm having a really hard time wrapping my head around that thought. I'm also having a hard time accepting the fact that I'm not fearless anymore and probably never will be. It's heavy. BUT - onward and upward right? I still plan on filling my calendar with friends and physical activity and everything I enjoy doing. I want to rebuild some friendships with some people I have grown away from, but now we seem to be on the same path. I want to separate myself even more from people who are self-absorbed. I want to strengthen the bond with some of my already amazing friendships. I want to keep doing more random acts of kindness and paying it forward. I do find myself at a point where I really do want to meet that guy. A companion to share my life with. It seems some prospective prospects are just not panning out as I had hoped, but I'm even looking at that differently. I'm not down about it but I'm hopeful. I'm not going to put aside anything anymore. No more notes reminding myself "Oh - I want to do that at some point!". Time to just do them. I want to live my life. And I will.